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Todd Hartley: I’m With Stupid

Todd Hartley
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO Colorado

I swore to myself I wasn’t going to do it, but I have nothing else to write about this week, so now that Obama’s health care plan seems like it’s practically a done deal, I feel it’s time to weigh in with my two cents’ worth. And for those of you who know me, you might be a little surprised at what I think of Obamacare.

I hate it. Oh, I’m not buying into the conservative argument about, “Who’s going to pay for this?” and all that nonsense. Realistically, I don’t know how much it costs and what changes it will bring, and to be frank, I don’t really care that much. It seems to me, though, that everyone’s already paying through the nose for health insurance, so the answer is that we’re all going to pay for it, just like we are now.

No, my reasons for disliking Obamacare are much more personal. In my experience, Obama’s health care plan will make you sick as a dog. Think I’m kidding? Wait until you hear my story.

Last week at work I started to feel nauseous, and I had chills so bad I thought I might freeze to death indoors. By that night I could barely make it up the stairs to bed. I got no sleep that night or the next night or the night after that, and my diet over the course of three days consisted of the following: Day 1 – A bowl of cream of wheat and a bowl of mango sherbet. Day 2 – A banana and two Ritz crackers. Day 3 – A bowl of granola and 16 cough drops.

By the third day I was hacking and wheezing so hard that I began to cough up blood. For the better part of four days I was essentially confined to bed with flu-like symptoms, alternating between pouring out gallons of sweat and shivering violently.

When I finally roused myself to go see a doctor on the fifth day, I learned that what I thought was the flu had moved lower into my chest and morphed into, in the doctor’s words, “A little bit of pneumonia.”

Pneumonia? Are you kidding me? How the heck does someone even contract pneumonia in the first place? I have no idea, but I do know this much: Not once in my life did I get pneumonia until after Obama passed his health care bill.

So am I saying Obama was somehow responsible for me getting pneumonia? Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Thanks a ton, Mr. President.

Now, I will admit that as a result of my illness, I lost about 10 pounds, bringing me back from the brink of morbid obesity. Proponents of Obama’s plan will, I’m sure, point out that fact and say that Obamacare has actually made me healthier already, but I’m afraid they’re wrong. You see, I have every intention of gaining back every one of those 10 pounds as soon as I can make it to the all-you-can-eat pizza buffet down in Glenwood Springs.

So is Obamacare truly “A big f#*%ing deal,” as Vice President Joe Biden famously said? I don’t know, but I do have to give the Democrats credit for spinning the vice president’s F-bomb into a money-making venture.

Apparently, a group called Organizing For America, described as “the president’s political arm housed at the Democratic National Committee,” is selling T-shirts with the slogan “Health Reform is a BFD” for 25 bucks a pop. Take that, all you folks who think Obama isn’t a capitalist.

There is one indisputable positive about Obama’s health reform bill, though. In the days leading up to the vote, right-wing blowhard Rush Limbaugh announced on his radio show that in five years, if everything about Obama’s health reform package is implemented, “I am leaving the country. I’ll go to Costa Rica.” So at least we all have that to look forward to, provided Limbaugh is a man of his word.

Unfortunately for Costa Rica, they will then have to do deal with the outspoken and oversized radio personality, which is a fate I would never wish on a country that I dearly love. The good news for Costa Ricans, however, is that they already have universal health care, anathema to a conservative like Limbaugh, so they ought to be able to drive him out of the country without too much trouble.


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