Todd Hartley: I’m With Stupid
November 6, 2009
Watch your backs, people. After millennia of being hunted and having their habitats destroyed, animals are mad as hell, and they’re not going to take it anymore, and now, they’re starting to fight back.
It all started two weeks ago, when a 19-year-old Canadian woman named Taylor Mitchell was killed by coyotes in Cape Breton Highlands National Park in Nova Scotia. Ms. Mitchell, an up-and-coming folk singer from Toronto, was hiking alone when she was attacked by two of the beasts.
Then, earlier this week, came the terrifying news that the attacking animals aren’t limited to just the Western Hemisphere and are, in fact, carrying out their bloody revenge around the globe. Two men were killed in the Indian state of Kashmir on Tuesday when a bear returned to its den to find the men inside. Two other men were wounded in the attack but managed to escape with their lives.
As scary as the thought of bears targeting humans may be, however, there are some important facts you should know about the killings in Kashmir. First of all, the men were only in the bear’s den because they were hiding out, and they were only hiding out because they were militant Muslim separatists bent on overthrowing the Indian government.
What this means for you, my faithful readers, provided you’re not also militant Muslim separatists, is that you probably don’t have anything to fear from bears yet. It’s unlikely you’ll find yourself hiding out in a bear’s den, and more importantly, if you do, it’s a good bet the bear will sense that you love God and democracy and will let you go with just a stern reprimand.
This incident could have much more important ramifications, though, as we can assume the U.S. military is very aware of and intrigued by the proceedings. I’m quite sure that America’s top military minds are already hard at work figuring out how to best take advantage of the angry-bear situation.
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One bear, with no weapons, took on four Islamic militants armed with assault rifles and killed two of them. I know Navy Seals are supposed to be good, but I doubt even the best of them could pull off something like that. And each Navy Seal requires thousands of dollars of high-tech equipment and ammunition, while a bear pretty much just requires nuts and berries.
I think you can see where this is going. Everyone always talks about keeping our troops out of harm’s way. To me that just means one thing: an army of pissed-off bears who know the difference between good guys and bad guys. We can fight wars with super soldiers that can live off the land for months at a time, and we can save money while doing it. That’s a no-brainer right there.
So now that we know the U.S. military is working on a bear special forces unit, I can’t help but wonder what sort of bears they plan to use. On the one hand, polar bears are the largest terrestrial predators on Earth. On the other hand, grizzly bears are renowned for their ferocity and unpleasant demeanors. Well, as luck would have it, we don’t have to choose. We can have the best of both species in a hybrid.
A BBC News story from two weeks ago reported on how a number of zoos in Europe and Israel find themselves in possession of polar/grizzly crosses after keeping the two species in the same enclosure. The story neglected to say whether the CIA was covertly funding the programs, but I think it’s pretty obvious. In fact, when I did a search for “grizzlar bears” on the CIA’s website, two men in suits and sunglasses showed up at my door within minutes and kidnapped me.
That just leaves us with one final issue to be resolved. Where would be the best place to breed and train these warrior bears? Might I suggest Kashmir? It’s close to Pakistan, and part of the reason the militants came into contact with the bear was because bears and leopards, which could also be effective weapons, are flourishing in the area. When the Muslim insurgency began in 1989, people in Kashmir were forced to hand in their weapons, which basically put a halt to poaching.
So there you have it. In 10 years, expect the U.S. military to be comprised entirely of grizzlar bears bred and trained in Kashmir. Now if we can just find out where the bad guys are training their coyotes we’ll have a leg up in the animal arms race.