Todd Hartley: I’m With Stupid |

Todd Hartley: I’m With Stupid

Todd Hartley
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO Colorado

I don’t know about you, but I’m concerned about Iceland. Oh, I’m not worried that Iceland is suddenly going to attack the U.S., and I don’t think it’s about to become the next terrorist hot bed. But Iceland’s been taking this global recession kind of hard, and I fear for the overall health of its citizens.

You see, no one in Iceland will be able to get a Big Mac anymore, as all three of Iceland’s McDonald’s restaurants will be closing for good after this weekend, victims of the precipitous drop in the value of the Icelandic krona. Over the last year, as the krona has toppled, the three McDonald’s, which are required to import all their goods from Germany, have had to raise their prices to the point where they’re no longer viable.

Currently, a Big Mac costs 650 krona ($5.29), but for the restaurants to make a decent profit, that price would have to go up to 780 krona ($6.36), which would make it the most expensive Big Mac in the world, topping Switzerland’s $5.75 version of the burger. Unable to match the prices of burger vendors using locally sourced products, McDonald’s is gone from Iceland for the first time since 1993.

Now, a lot of you may think that getting rid of McDonald’s is probably going to be good for the health of Iceland’s citizens. McDonald’s, as we all know, is the main reason why everyone in America is morbidly obese. It has nothing to do with the fact that we have gluttonous appetites, insist on having everything deep fried and spend all our time sitting at computers, watching TV or playing video games instead of exercising. It’s been proven in court: McDonald’s is to blame for the fact that we’re all fat.

The Big Mac, for example, contains two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun, as well as another bun stuffed between the all-beef patties for some reason, 540 calories and 45 percent of a person’s recommended daily allowance of fat. Some scientists believe that if you so much as bite into a Big Mac, your heart will instantly explode before you can get out of the restaurant, and you’ll be dragged into the kitchen and cooked until you’re liquid and then recycled as a Shamrock shake.

Seemingly, getting rid of McDonald’s would be the best thing a country could possibly do for its health. It’s rumored that if every McDonald’s in America were to close, the collective weight loss we’d experience on the very first day would be enough to upset the Earth’s rotation. Cutting Big Macs out of your diet could add dozens of years to your life, and therein lies Iceland’s problem.

Iceland, as it turns out, is already considered the world’s healthiest country, beating out Sweden, Finland and a bunch of other places where dour Socialists eat baked fish and vegetables and have universal health care. With their healthy diets, a low infant mortality rate and very little pollution mucking up their air, Icelanders have one of the world’s highest life expectancies: 72 for men and 74 for women.

With no McDonald’s in their country, it’s possible the life expectancy of the average Icelander could go as high as 115 for men and 119 for women, and that could lead to the very extinction of Icelanders as a species. If everyone in the country suddenly starts living longer, it could put an unbearable strain on Iceland’s resources.

Iceland, if the pictures I’ve seen are to be believed, is nothing but some barren volcanoes, a few geysers and a hot spring or two. Iceland’s population of 319, 756 presumably lives on the few patches of arable land the country has to offer. There can’t be much room for raising cattle and growing vegetables and grains.

So how are those few acres going to support another 30 to 40 years of each Icelander eating if all the food has to be produced locally to make it affordable enough to survive in Iceland’s chilly economic climate? Taking away McDonald’s is like removing an alpha predator from the environment. Soon there will be so many prey animals that they’ll devour all their food and eventually starve to death as a result.

Thankfully, the three McDonald’s will reopen under a new name, Metro, and will start using local materials and produce. Let’s just pray they’ll be able to make their burgers as unhealthy as the Big Mac.

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