Todd Hartley: I’m with Stupid |

Todd Hartley: I’m with Stupid

As many of you are probably aware, it can be very difficult to find good news these days in a world seemingly gone crazy. Internet sites and TV stations are always so full of stories about horrible things like murder, war, piracy and Kanye West that it’s enough to leave you feeling limp and impotent. Read or watch the news often enough, and you might start to think there will never be anything to get excited about again.

Well, have no fear, faithful readers. We here at I’m With Stupid have uncovered great news guaranteed to make you stand up and take notice, and we will now share it with you free of charge: Some day in the not-so-distant future, erectile dysfunction drugs like Viagra, Levitra and Cialis could be available in cream form, significantly increasing their response time and making them safer and lots more fun.

A recent study conducted by a team at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine at Yeshiva University in New York and published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine suggests that ED drugs could pass through the skin in tiny capsules, meaning they could be confined to a single area, such as an arm, leg or penis, rather than circulating throughout the body. This, it is believed, could do away with the drugs’ negative side effects, which include headaches, blurred vision, upset stomachs and young women having sex with Hugh Hefner.

The dreaded four-hour erection would still be a possibility, although I imagine if you applied the cream vigorously enough you could remedy this situation by yourself without needing to contact a doctor. And, of course, if used to excess the new creams could have side effects of their own, such as irate Catholics, hairy palms and, eventually, blindness. It remains to be seen, though, if this is indeed the case.

Researchers used nanoparticles much smaller than a grain of pollen and figured out a way to encapsulate even smaller particles of Cialis inside. They then conducted their studies on laboratory rats specifically bred to have erectile dysfunction, which, in my mind, sounds like it’s taking animal cruelty to a whole new weird level.

All 11 of the rats treated with the nanoparticles containing Cialis showed improvement, which I assume means they got tiny little rat erections, while the seven rats treated with empty particles stayed unaroused.

(Bear in mind that when I say “treated,” I mean that some scientist must have had the unenviable task of physically rubbing cream on the rats’ penises. Just remember that the next time you’re tempted to gripe about how much you hate your job. Then again, maybe you think that rubbing rat penises sounds like fun. If that’s the case, I suggest you contact Yeshiva University. I imagine they could use someone like you.)

The study neglected to mention whether treating the rats with over-the-counter creams and lubricants such as Astroglide, KY Jelly and Vaseline had any effect, and it also failed to note whether the seven unaffected rats were shown any rat porn to help them get in the mood. (Yes, I did a search for rat porn on the Internet, and, yes, there is such a thing, and, no, it did nothing for me.)

In addition to its effectiveness at treating the rats with ED, the Cialis cream also worked much more quickly, taking effect in just a few minutes rather than the 30 minutes to an hour needed for Cialis in pill form. I’m guessing that if the cream were applied by a sexy female rat rather than a human lab technician, even that rapid response time could be trimmed to just a few seconds.

Before you get too excited about this amazing medical breakthrough, however, you should know that it could take 10 years or more for these ED creams to become available for widespread use. As some of you are no doubt aware, the Food and Drug Administration, which would need to approve the drugs, moves at something considerably slower than a snail’s pace.

In the meantime, though, there will probably have to be years of clinical studies done on humans, making for the very real possibility that you could get paid to have someone rub erection-inducing cream on your penis. That’s certainly something to consider if you’re unhappy with your current employment. Hell, I don’t even suffer from ED, but I would definitely be willing to lie about it if it could land me a job like that.

Todd Hartley hopes Bob Dole lives long enough to reap the benefits of ED creams. To read more or leave a comment, please visit

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