Todd Hartley: I’m With Stupid
August 14, 2009
Shortly before my wife and I started living together, I decided, like some ill-advised Buddhist, to simplify my life, so I got rid of everything that wouldn’t fit in my car, including my job and my apartment. Thus, when we finally tied the knot about a year later, the sum total of what I brought to the marriage amounted to a fork, a spoon, a steak knife, a can opener and two Pyrex bowls. Amazingly, saint that she is, my wife was still happy to have me, or at least she pretended she was.Imagine then how pleased my wife would have been if I had come with a dowry as generous as the one offered to Bill and Hillary Clinton by Godwin Kipkemoi Chepkurgor of Kenya. In asking for their daughter Chelsea’s hand in marriage, Mr. Chepkurgor has promised the Clintons an astonishing 40 goats and 20 cows. If that isn’t enough to make the ex-president and current secretary of state give away their only child, I don’t know what is.Mr. Chepkurgor first made his love for Chelsea known in 2000, when he wrote to then-President Clinton and offered up his livestock in exchange for her hand. The offer was renewed just last week when Hillary learned about it at a Nairobi town hall session during her multination tour of Africa. The fact that Mr. Chepkurgor’s latest offer was not reduced by a single goat or cow despite the current global economic crisis proves that he has the wherewithal to keep Chelsea comfortable no matter how bad things get.Best of all for Chelsea, should she decide to accept, she would only have to shoulder half of the wifely duties around the house, or around the hut, as the case may be. In 2006 Mr. Chepkurgor married a college classmate named Grace who apparently has no problem with his pursuit of Chelsea.Now, I know many of you may scoff at such an offer. You’re probably asking yourself what a sophisticated, affluent young lady like Chelsea would want with all those farm animals. Well, obviously, you’ve spent precious little time around farm animals.With 20 cows at her beck and call, Chelsea would never need to run out to the store for milk again. She could simply head to the barn with her milking stool and her favorite pail and get it straight from the source. Milk doesn’t come any fresher than that. And with 40 goats grazing outside, Chelsea’s days of having to mow the lawn every week would be a thing of the past. Plus, goats are just about the sweetest, most affectionate animals you could ever hope to meet. Any girl would be lucky to have one goat to cuddle up with. Any girl with 40 would be the luckiest girl on the planet.So, now that I’ve opened your eyes to what an amazing offer this is, I’m guessing you’re wondering why Mr. Chepkurgor would single out Chelsea. Clearly, a man with 40 goats and 20 cows as a dowry could have any woman he wanted. Why not make a pitch for Michelle Obama or try to pry Angelina Jolie away from Brad Pitt?Well, according to the lovestruck Kenyan, he considers Chelsea to be a “beautiful, disciplined and well-natured woman,” and he greatly admires “her family and how they stick together.” He does have a point there. If Chelsea is half as forgiving as her mother was in the wake of the whole Monica Lewinsky affair, there’s virtually nothing Mr. Chepkurgor could do that would send her packing.To her credit, Hillary showed remarkable restraint when she learned of Mr. Chepkurgor’s proposition. Whereas most mothers would have immediately said yes, the esteemed secretary of state decided to leave the decision up to her daughter, telling the audience at the town hall meeting that she would “convey this very kind offer.”As of this writing, Chelsea was still mulling things over and had yet to respond, but I, for one, think she’d be a fool not to accept. I mean, 40 goats and 20 cows? Who wouldn’t want that? I’m just praying that Mr. Chepkurgor doesn’t make a similar offer to my wife. As nice as those Pyrex bowls of mine might be – and they are pretty sweet – I wouldn’t stand a chance against a guy with that many hoofed mammals.
Todd Hartley once offered a steak knife for a cow’s hoof in marriage. She didn’t get the irony but said no anyway. E-mail comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.
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