Todd Hartley: I’m With Stupid
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO Colorado
In the immortal words of Donovan Leitch, “And as the elders of our time choose to remain blind/Let us rejoice and let us sing and dance and ring in the new/Hail Atlantis!”
I know what you’re thinking. You’re wondering why I would choose to start this week’s column with lyrics from a mediocre song by an over-rated folk singer who was last relevant back in the ’60s. Well, I’ll tell you why: because I’ve noticed that very few of you seem to be rejoicing and singing and dancing and ringing in the new, which I can only take to mean that you haven’t heard the big news.
What big news, you ask? Only the biggest archaeological discovery in history. Atlantis has been found!
I know I just blew your mind, so I’ll give you a second to regain your composure before I continue. … You good? OK.
I realize a lot of you didn’t believe in the legend of Atlantis, and I can’t say I blame you. I mean, it does strain the story’s credibility when you consider that Plato, writing about Atlantis in his work “Timaeus,” has Socrates hear the story from Critias, who heard it from his 90-year-old grandfather, who heard it from Solon, who heard it from a very old Egyptian priest, who was telling the story some 9,000 years after Atlantis supposedly sank.
I understand that you might assume that in all that time and retelling, the facts of the story could get a bit garbled, but that’s just the cynic in you talking. The truth of the matter is that, according to Critias, the story “is certainly true, having been attested by Solon, who was the wisest of the seven sages.” So there you have it.
Here’s what we know about Atlantis from Plato: It was somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, it “disappeared in the depths of the sea” as a result of “violent earthquakes and floods,” and it was “larger than Libya and Asia put together.”
Knowing all that, I feel it’s safe to say that the startling discovery made by England’s Bernie Bamford some 620 miles off the west coast of Africa near the Canary Islands is definitely the fabled lost continent. After all, it meets two of the most important criteria for being Atlantis: It’s in the Atlantic Ocean, and it’s submerged under about three miles of water. Admittedly, it’s not quite the size of Asia, but it is only slightly smaller than New Jersey, which is still pretty darn big.
So, who is this Bamford guy, and what did he discover? Is he some sort of undersea archaeologist who used a submersible to find ancient ruins? Well, no. He’s actually an aeronautical engineer who discovered a grid of symmetrical lines on the sea floor as he browsed through the new Google Ocean application.
The lines, which are laid out in a massive rectangle and resemble a map of a large metropolis, are far too straight and regular to have been caused by nature. Anyone looking at them could tell that they are obviously manmade, fueling the argument that what Bamford found is indeed an ancient city.
Never mind that each block of such a city would be about 10 miles long, and disregard the fact that Google claims the lines are sonar data collected by boats as they mapped out the area. That’s just cynicism rearing its ugly head again.
No less an authority than Dr. Charles Orser, curator of historical archaeology at New York State Museum and one of the world’s leading authorities on Atlantis, has called the discovery “fascinating.” In an article in the British newspaper The Sun, Dr. Orser said, “The site is one of the most prominent places for the proposed location of Atlantis, as described by Plato.”
An endorsement like that should be more than enough to convince you of the fact that Atlantis has been discovered, but if you need further proof, I would like to point out that The Sun is owned by Rupert Murdoch, the man who brought you Fox News Channel. You know there’s no way Murdoch would allow a story to be printed unless he was absolutely certain it was the truth.
So when people tell you that Atlantis is just a myth, ignore them. They’re merely the elders of our time choosing to remain blind. Instead, get out there and rejoice and sing and dance and ring in the new.
Sure, it may be a flimsy excuse for such joyous behavior, but how much excuse do you really need?
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