Todd Hartley: I’m With Stupid
The Aspen Times
Aspen CO, Colorado
So here it is, the day after Christmas, and you just realized that you forgot to get a gift for the person you hate the most on the planet. This was the year, too. You were going to give that S.O.B. a flaming bag of dog poop or a box full of your stinky toenail clippings from the past year, but then you just plum forgot, didn’t you?
Well, fear not, my friends. There’s still time to get him or her a really wretched New Year’s present, and I have a few suggestions that I think might fit the bill.
First off is the classic present for someone you can’t stand: a parrot. Nothing says “I hate you” like a loud, smelly, ill-tempered creature that can easily bite off someone’s finger. Best of all, with an average life span of 60 years or more, the right parrot can annoy your enemy’s family for generations to come.
Up for adoption right now from Feathered Friends Parrot Adoption Services is a large, neurotic, 25-year-old blue and gold macaw named Vito who has managed to pluck out most of the feathers on his chest, meaning that in addition to being loud and dangerous he also looks like he’s suffering from some awful disease.
Of course, if the person you detest is really as horrible as you think they are, it wouldn’t be very fair to poor Vito to get stuck with them, so maybe he’s not the best gift. Fortunately, I have a couple other options that might tickle your fancy.
If the person you hate is religious, perhaps he or she would be interested in a new item being marketed by an entrepreneur from the heart of the Holy Land. According to BBC News, Menachem Goldberg, the manager of a tourist center in Galilee, is selling pieces of donkey dung encased in clear plastic cubes to anyone who might desire that sort of thing.
The idea for the donkey-doo cubes comes from a phrase in the Talmud that reads, “Let the messiah come … may I be worthy to sit in the shadow of his donkey’s dung.” This gives you the added benefit of reminding the person you can’t stand that he or she is most likely not worthy to sit in the shadow of the excrement of Jesus’ burro.
Mr. Goldberg even inscribes the cubes with religious text, so for a few dollars extra you could presumably get him to do a phrase of your choosing. Wouldn’t it be great to make your enemy go to the trouble of learning Hebrew just to discover that his or her cube says, “Have a crappy new year,” or something similarly punny?
Or maybe that special someone who makes your skin crawl is a hard-core athlete. What should you do then?
I would recommend that you enter them in the Iditarod Trail Invitational, a sort of sister event to the more famous Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race. The difference is that in the Invitational, competitors don’t traverse the course with the aid of dogs. In fact, they’re required to make the trek entirely under their own power, meaning they either ski, bike or run for 1,100 miles across Alaska’s frozen tundra.
Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? Enter your enemy in a race like this, where roughly 90 percent of the entrants fail to finish, and you’ll have hours of fun-filled schadenfreude at the thought of them losing toes and fingers to frostbite. Hell, there’s even a chance they could get gored by a moose or eaten by wolves.
The entry fee is admittedly a little steep at $900, but isn’t that a small price to pay to endanger the life of someone you despise with such a passion? And the great thing is that if your enemy finishes the race and somehow manages to win the damn thing, they won’t receive any money or swag. The prize for the winner is just free entry into next year’s race. Second prize is a heaping helping of nothing.
Anyway, I hope these suggestions were helpful to you. I know how hard it can be to find a present that truly expresses the depths of your hatred for that certain someone. If, however, you can’t fly to Israel to buy donkey dung or pony up $900 for a parrot or a race in Alaska, I have one last suggestion: Just regift that disgusting fruit cake your grandma sends you every year. You can rest assured your enemy will hate that.
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