Todd Hartley: I’m With Stupid
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO, Colorado
By now we’ve all heard so much about the alleged obesity epidemic threatening America’s waistlines that if you’re anything like me, you stopped paying attention years ago. Everyone in America is overweight, a single restaurant entree could feed a family of 23 Somalis, deep-frying everything greatly reduces its nutritional value, blah, blah, blah.
We get it: We’re fat.
It’s gotten to the point where we just assume that if something is really bad for you – like chicken-fried bacon, which actually exists – it first appeared somewhere in the U.S.
Well, America, guess what: I have good news for you. Something obscenely fattening and unhealthy hit the markets last week, and we aren’t the ones who’ll be eating it! Give yourselves a pat on the back, folks, provided you still can. If you can’t reach your back, just gently pat some other part of your anatomy in a congratulatory manner.
Granted, the offending food product was concocted by an American company, Pizza Hut, but it won’t even be available in the U.S. And what food product is that, you ask? Hot Dog Stuffed Crust pizza, of course, which will be offered only at Pizza Huts in the U.K.
In case you’re wondering, yes, I’m talking about pizza with hot dogs wrapped in the crust, where first nothing and then cheese used to be. This is for anyone who has ever nearly finished a piece of pizza but not eaten the crust because it didn’t have enough meat in it. Now, happily, those people can eat the entire slice without worrying that they might be inadvertently eating something that isn’t horrible for them.
I totally get this because I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked into a restaurant and agonized over whether to get pizza or a bratwurst before settling for one or the other. If I were English and ever went to Pizza Hut, I wouldn’t have to choose. I could just tell them to wrap the tube steak in the elastic loaf (that’s what Iranians call pizza, since they aren’t allowed to say the decadent Western word “pizza”), and I’d be in hog heaven.
Admit it, you’d have sworn that something as grotesque as Hot Dog Stuffed Crust pizza could have only come from the U.S., right? I consider it a proud moment in American history that such a dish came from across the pond, and I think I see the strategy here: If we, as Americans, can succeed in making the rest of the world fat, too, we’ll seem skinnier by comparison. That might actually be easier than trying to lose weight ourselves. Thanks for looking out for us, Pizza Hut.
Mind you, this is not to say that restaurants in the U.S. aren’t still doing their part to keep Americans portly. Why, just the other day, Burger King announced that it would be introducing a new bacon sundae, which is, as its name implies, an ice-cream sundae made even more fattening by the addition of a strip of bacon. This is just further proof that bacon enhances the flavor of everything. I mean, once you’re an ice-cream topping, what else can you make taste better? There’s nothing left.
Sadly, BK’s delectable new ice cream creation will only be available for a limited time at “a small sampling of U.S. restaurants in the Nashville, Tenn., area,” according to a company representative.
This is an outrage, people! How dare Burger King tell the rest of us about the existence of such a menu item and then not allow us to partake in its awesomeness? Every American deserves bacon sundaes. This needs to be spread. I encourage everyone in Nashville to eat a bacon sundae and give it an enthusiastic thumbs-up so Burger King might feel compelled to spread the love to the rest of the country. Don’t worry, Nashville – one little bacon sundae isn’t going to show.
Should bacon sundaes not make it to my neck of the woods, I suppose I’m going to have to invent an excuse to go to Nashville – although, realistically, how much more of an excuse do I need than bacon sundaes and country music? Damn. This is going to cost me. I really didn’t need a trip to Tennessee right now.
Truthfully, though, a trip to Nashville’s probably going to save me some money because now I can cancel that trip to London I was planning.
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The high cost of living in the Roaring Fork Valley is one of the factors that makes our population perpetually restless and transient.