Todd Hartley: I’m with Stupid | AspenTimes.com
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Todd Hartley: I’m with Stupid

Todd Hartley
The Aspen Times
Aspen CO, Colorado

Boy, there’s stupid, and then there’s O.J. Simpson stupid, isn’t there? In a world full of numbskulls, the Juice is a hall-of-famer. To put it in running-back terms, if stupidity were measured in rushing yards, and 1,000 yards was a good season, O.J. just ran for the 2,003 he chalked up in 14 games in 1973, back in his previous life.

(For the record, Simpson’s mark is not the best all-time anymore. Four other men have outrushed him since the NFL went to a 16-game season. I take that to mean there may be a handful of people out there dumber than O.J. ” suicide bombers come to mind ” but they can’t touch his stupid-per-game average. Yes, I realize that doesn’t make any sense. Just go with it.)

Last Friday Simpson was convicted of 12 charges, including armed robbery and kidnapping, stemming from an incident a year ago in Las Vegas. Prosecutors charged that he led a group of armed men in a robbery of footballs, photographs and other items from two sports memorabilia dealers. O.J. claimed it was his stuff, and he was just taking it back.

The jury apparently didn’t believe O.J., because they took just 13 hours of deliberating to find him guilty of the charges, which also included robbery, assault and conspiracy to commit a crime. The verdict came 13 years to the day after Simpson was acquitted of killing his former wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ronald Goldman in Los Angeles. The robbery in Las Vegas took place on Sept. 13, 2007, and the trial lasted 13 days. Holy triskaidekaphobia, Batman! Spooky.

So now Simpson could spend the rest of his life in prison, a fate he perhaps should have suffered 13 years ago in many people’s minds, including five of the jurors in his trial last week. According to jury questionnaires released after the trial, all five admitted to disagreeing with the 1995 verdict acquitting Simpson of murder, leading O.J.’s current attorneys to claim that the jury was biased from the start. Please. How on Earth did they find seven people who didn’t think he did it?

That’s the thing that’s so idiotic about O.J. The guy got away with murder, literally, in the most publicized court case of our lifetimes. No one has ever gotten, or will ever get, luckier. How dumb do you have to be to think you can pull off something like that twice? Maybe being found not guilty once made O.J. think he had some sort of immunity.

Sure, he’s had Ronald Goldman’s family’s $33.5 million wrongful death suit hanging over his head the last 13 years ” meaning that he’s basically working for them for the rest of his life ” but from all other reports O.J. was doing just fine. It seemed like every time his name was mentioned he was on a golf course somewhere. I almost never get to play golf, and I don’t owe anyone millions of dollars. Oh, and I never killed two people, either.

(Side note on the golf: Years ago, my parents belonged to a country club that had no black members. An unknown African-American writer took a job there one summer and wrote a scathing expose in New York Magazine. The club members ” stock brokers mostly ” weren’t excluding blacks; they just didn’t know any. But O.J. played there a few times, and seemed like a good guy. There was talk of offering him a membership.

The story caused a minor uproar, with reporters from all sorts of media outlets staked out at the club trying the get the story from some oppressed caddy or janitor. An Indian club member ” as dark-skinned a man as you will ever find ” showed up to play. The reporters all rushed to him as he walked across the parking lot, pens and microphones at the ready, and asked what menial task he was there to do that morning. He said, “Play 18 and take my kids to the pool.” The reporters all went home.)

Despite seeing the man who owes him all that money relegated to paying it off at about 92 cents an hour making license plates, Goldman’s father, Fred Goldman, was reportedly ecstatic about the outcome of the trial. “We’re absolutely thrilled to see that the potential is that he could spend the rest of his life in jail, where the scumbag belongs,” he said, speaking ” let’s face it ” for the rest of humanity.

So long, Juice. Sorry it all went so wrong for you.


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