Todd Hartley: I’m With Stupid
The Aspen Times
Aspen CO Colorado
Here at I’m With Stupid, it’s sort of a running joke between us and our brother-in-law Bob that we routinely use this column to, um, make penis jokes. We kind of have to; if it weren’t for lowbrow humor, sometimes we wouldn’t have any. We’re from the school that says farts will always be funny, too.
Bob, you may remember, was the one who clued us in to the story of the Russian automaker that was going to upholster its car seats in whale penis leather until it had a change of heart. That’s the sort of thing Bob sends us, so it was not surprising recently when we received an e-mail from him reading, “Don’t know why I thought you might write a column about this,” accompanied by a link to a news story from Yahoo.
Obviously, we were expecting the link to be to a story about something having to do with penises (or is it penii?), but what was unexpected – and proved fortuitous for a couple of reasons – was the subject of this particular story.
You see, everywhere we go, people come up to us and tell us they’re going to Iceland, and they ask what we would recommend they do there, and we’re always at a loss. Odd as this may sound, we’ve never been to Iceland, despite a burning desire to go.
Now, however, thanks to Bob and the Yahoo story, we will at least be able to tell people about one place to make sure they don’t miss: the Phallological Museum in the tiny fishing town of Husavik, one of the finest collections of pickled penii and penis-related memorabilia in the entire world.
The museum was opened 15 years ago in the capitol, Reykjavik, by a man named Sigurdur Hjartarson. At the time of the museum’s opening, Hjartarson, who was then 54, had 62 penis specimens he’d apparently been lugging around with him for years. The museum now contains 276 specimens and has since moved to Husavik, where it draws thousands of visitors a year.
The reason Hjartarson and the museum were in the news was because finally, after years of trying, they’ve succeeded in getting themselves a human penis. Several men, including an American, a German and a Brit, had pledged their penii to the museum over the years, but this was the first one that was transferred successfully.
The donor was a 95-year-old Icelander named Pall Arason, a “funny guy” movingly eulogized by Hjartarson when the latter said, “I have just been waiting for this guy for 15 years.” I’m sure Arason’s family appreciated the kind words.
Now, according to the story, “the Icelander’s pickled penis will be the main attraction in one of his country’s most bizarre museums.”
That sounds nice and all, but we think we have to disagree with that assessment. We’ve personally never seen a 95-year-old’s penis, but we can’t imagine it’s all that interesting. We have a hard time believing it’s going to more impressive than a 170-centimeter whale penis. (If you’re not good at converting centimeters to inches, that’s as tall as our wife.)
And yes, since we know you’re all wondering, the wife-sized penis, the museum’s largest, did come from a sperm whale. How could it not?
Hjartarson, the story read, acquired an interest in penii when, as a youth, he was given a whip made from a bull’s penis. After that, colleagues started giving him whale penii as gifts (and you thought your friends were generous), and donations started to pour in from all over. Hjartarson, it seems, is just the kind of guy people sort of want to give penii to.
Anyway, the addition of Arason’s penis to the already impressive collection makes the Phallological Museum an absolute must-see for anyone visiting Iceland. Thankfully, we will now be able to inform people of that fact. We’ll just tell them to go to Husavik and look for the tree carved into the shape of giant phallus. We imagine it’s probably hard to miss. We might even ask them to bring back some penis-related memorabilia for us.
Oh, and before we forget: The other reason the story was fortuitous is because we never thought of using the word “phallological” before. Making penis jokes sounds so crass. That’s not what we do here at I’m With Stupid. We don’t make penis jokes; from now on, instead, we wield our sophisticated sense of phallological humor. That sounds much better.
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