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Todd Hartley: I’m With Stupid

Todd Hartley
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO Colorado

(Editor’s note: The following is part 3 in I’m With Stupid’s ongoing expose of animals being used for covert military operations.)

First, there was the terrorist-slaying wonderbear of Kashmir. Next came the Egyptian-eating sharks of Sharm el-Sheikh. Just when you thought people in the Middle East couldn’t get any more paranoid about animals being used to persecute Muslims, they did.

Earlier this week it was reported that Saudi Arabian officials arrested a vulture they believe was being used by Israel to spy on them. No, not a lawyer, an actual griffon vulture, a high-flying scavenger that can have a wingspan of more than 8 feet and reach heights of more than 36,000 feet above sea level.

Locals in the desert city of Hyaal captured the bird when it landed there a few days ago, only to discover it was equipped with a GPS transmitter bearing the name of Tel Aviv University. Thus, clearly, it was involved in some sort of Zionist plot by the enemies of Islam.

The vulture was turned over to Saudi security forces, who detained it until the Arabic version of what we call a trial can be held, at which time a council of imams will decide whether the bird should be stoned to death like a woman or merely have its wing chopped off in retribution.

Fearing just such a reprisal, Israeli officials said they were “stunned” to hear about the incident and claimed the bird was only being used for scientific purposes.

“The device does nothing more than receive and store basic data about the bird’s whereabouts,” claimed a spokesperson for Israel’s Park and Nature Authority. “Now, this poor bird is paying a terrible price. That’s very sad.”

Sad? Spare me your crocodile tears, Israel. You mean to tell me that of all the birds they could have tagged with a GPS transmitter, a university in Tel Aviv – the capital of Israel – just happened to choose one that can soar nearly 7 miles up in the sky, a height at which even large airplanes are hard to see?

Even if the vulture could be detected by radar, it would still be invisible to the naked eye, making it a perfect tool for clandestine surveillance. Plus, it’s a vulture, so it’s not like it wouldn’t be in favor of war and killing and things that could result in plenty of dead bodies for it to scavenge. And being called a spy certainly isn’t going to damage the vulture’s reputation the way I did by comparing it to a lawyer. The bird was obviously working for the Mossad.

Our second update takes us to Europe for a “Where Are They Now?” look at Christine O’Donnell, who you might remember from a few months ago, before she was soundly defeated in her bid for one of Delaware’s U.S. Senate seats and promptly dropped off the national radar.

O’Donnell, you may recall, once confessed to having dabbled in witchcraft as a younger woman, a confession that severely hindered her credibility as a serious politician but only endeared her more to supporters of the Tea Party.

Upset by her loss and unwilling to live in a country that she felt had become a socialist regime ruled by tax-and-spend elitists, O’Donnell did what any self-respecting witch would do. She packed up her bags and moved to Romania, a country where casting spells and brewing potions can earn a lady a good, tax-free living.

Sadly for O’Donnell, however, starting this year Romanian witches will be required to pay 16 percent income tax and contribute to health and pension programs. In response, the irate witches, who are often used by politicians to put spells on their enemies, were planning a protest yesterday on the shores of the Danube River.

The enchantresses, including, possibly, O’Donnell, were going to use cat excrement and dead dogs to cast spells on the president and the government, and throw poisonous mandrake root into the river “so evil will befall them,” according to a witch named Alisia.

“We do harm to those who harm us,” declared Queen witch Bratara Buzea, free now after being imprisoned for witchcraft in 1977. “My curses always work!”

As of this writing, there was no report out of Romania on how the protest was going, and sources there were unable to verify the rumor that the grand, exalted Ubërwitch would be making the trip from Wasilla to take part in the proceedings.


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