Todd Hartley: I’m With Stupid |

Todd Hartley: I’m With Stupid

Todd Hartley
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO Colorado

Astute readers of I’m With Stupid may have noticed that in last week’s column, a sober, thoughtful treatise on Buddhist meditation, I confessed that my personal mantra while meditating, which generally involves much pondering of female body parts, is the word “Boobies.”

I received quite a bit of negative feedback from self-styled Zen masters informing me that my puerile jokes and sophomoric attitude were a guaranteed way to ensure that nothing worthwhile would ever come of my meditating.

One commenter even graciously attempted to explain the point of meditation and chanting to me by telling me that Buddhists “chant for the things that will bring them hope,” something I couldn’t possibly expect as a result of my “arrogant and irreverent” efforts.

Yeah? Well, guess what? Looks like I’ll be the one having the last laugh. (Not as a result of my jokes, of course, which really were puerile and not particularly funny.) But I did indeed spend some time meditating last week, and lo and behold, what do you suppose were making headlines this week? That’s right: women’s breasts, something that has always given me a great deal of hope.

And not just any women’s breasts, mind you, but those belonging to Brazilian supermodel Giselle Bundchen, wife of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and a fierce advocate of breast-feeding.

So enthusiastic is Bundchen about breast-feeding her own 9-month-old child, in fact, that earlier this week she declared, “I think there should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breast-feed their babies for six months.”

I’m not sure how, exactly, the world’s highest-paid supermodel thinks police would enforce such a law, but I can foresee more than a few problems with her idea.

First of all, if Giselle Bundchen or some other spectacularly gorgeous woman is breast-feeding her lone child in a public place, I don’t think too many people, men in particular, are going to have a problem with it.

On the other hand, however, if someone like, say, the Octomom is lying on her back in a park with eight mewling kids swarming around her teats, it might not go over quite so well. I’m sure there are a few freaks out there who would get a kick out of seeing that, but I don’t think we want those people having access to such a sight – or access to women in general, for that matter.

I suppose you could try to enforce such a law by banning the sale of baby bottles and Similac, but that would probably just create a thriving black market for infant formula and put the product in the control of dangerous gangs that would go out of their way to get kids hooked on the stuff before they can even crawl.

While I think a law mandating breast-feeding might be a little Draconian and unreasonable, I do happen to agree with Ms. Bundchen that breast-feeding is a good thing for both mother and child. My own son breast fed for the first year of his life, and now, at the age of 3, he’s on the verge of unlocking the secrets of nuclear fusion. Sure, that might be a coincidence, but then again it might not.

I needed more evidence of the positive power of breast-feeding, though, so I took to the Internet, where I found an interview on the subject with lactation expert Janet Tamaro, author of “So That’s What They’re For!”

Tamaro had some great advice for new mothers contemplating breast-feeding, including getting their husbands or partners on board. “Tell them Michael Jordan was breast-fed [for three years, apparently],” said Tamaro, “and Michael Jackson was not.”

That was pretty much all the evidence I needed.

Of course, Ms. Tamaro also said, when informed that the interview was taking place during National Breastfeeding Awareness Week, “Why are we not aware of breasts?”

Sadly, a statement like that kind of robs her of any credibility, because if Ms. Tamaro really thinks that “we” are not aware of breasts, she’s hopelessly out of touch with the entire male population of the planet.

But back to Ms. Bundchen, who I would like to encourage to make multiple how-to videos showing new moms the best way to breast-feed their children. She may be a little off the mark with her proposed law, but I don’t think we should discount her idea entirely, because, face it, if there’s anyone who knows what’s best for the women of the world, it’s an anorexically thin supermodel.

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