Todd Hartley: I’m With Stupid
Last week, we here at I’m With Stupid brought you the disturbing tale of Ardi Rizal, a 2-year-old Indonesian boy who smokes two packs of cigarettes a day. Forty cigarettes every day is a few too many for a toddler, to be sure, but Ardi’s bigger problem was that he didn’t look fabulous while smoking them. He wore a trashy tank top and a leather jacket that looked like he swiped it from the set of a “Grease” revival. Worst of all, though, he was wearing plain, boring diapers.Sadly, poor Ardi may be stuck with his tank top and jacket, as his parents likely can’t afford both cigarettes and new clothes for their boy, but thankfully he’ll be able to do something about the drab diapers currently covering his heiney.Procter & Gamble Co., the makers of Pampers, announced Wednesday that they will be offering a new line of designer diapers at Target Corp. stores beginning in mid-July. The new products will be designed by noted fashion designer Cynthia Rowley and will come in 11 different styles, including pastels, stripes, madras and ruffles, because apparently someone at Procter & Gamble decided that’s what babies need.A P&G baby care vice president explained the company’s decision by issuing a statement saying that diaper performance comes first, but parents consider the look important as well.We do? That’s news to me. I suppose some jackass parents think it’s important for their children to poop in something more fashionable than what the neighbors’ kids have on, but as a parent of a child who is still in diapers, I can promise you that the look of said diapers has never once crossed my mind.Here’s the way I see it: The Pampers my son wears now have pictures of Elmo on them. That’s good. My son likes Elmo. It makes him happy to see Elmo guarding his nether regions. If I were to start swaddling him in pastels or ruffles, he might just have a meltdown, and I, the one who is supposed to be impressed by the stylishness of the diapers, wouldn’t give a rat’s patootie about what they look like.And I don’t know if anyone has told Procter & Gamble this, but in general, diapers are worn beneath the clothing, where no one will ever see them anyway. I don’t care how fashionable your kid’s diapers are; if he’s wearing them without pants or shorts covering them, everyone will assume you live in a trailer park.As for P&G’s statement that diaper performance comes first, that may be their claim, but the designer diapers will come with new Dry Max technology, which has been plagued by complaints that it causes severe rashes. P&G disputes that notion, but I don’t think it really matters that much. Once all the upscale babies have rashes, the idiots who buy designer diapers will convince us that severe diaper rash is the new black. I’m sure their children are more than willing to suffer for fashion.And what of Cynthia Rowley, the award-winning designer, book author and celebrity judge on such shows as “Project Runway” and “Design Star”? Does she really think that designing diapers is going to add anything to her legacy, or is she just so broke and desperate she’ll take any sort of paying gig? I imagine when she told her colleagues she would be designing Pampers they probably thought it was a joke. In any event, it’s not what most folks would consider an upward career move.If you’re the sort of person who thinks it’s important for something that no one but you and your baby will see – and that’s going to be pooped in and thrown out in a couple of hours anyway – to be stylish, you should by all means buy designer Pampers. It will make your pathetic ego feel good to assume you’re better than people who don’t buy designer diapers. (And admit it, you know that’s the real reason you’d buy them.)But be prepared to shell out a pretty penny for that exclusivity, as the new Pampers will cost $6 more per package than regular Pampers that are probably better for your child’s rear end to begin with.Actually, come to think of it, that means our friend Ardi Rizal can’t afford designer Pampers after all. I guess he’ll just have to suffer through with his tacky plain diapers. Poor kid. I hope all those cigarettes can help ease the pain.
Todd Hartley is a runway model for Depend brand designer adult underwear. To read more or leave a comment, please visit todd-hartley.com.
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