Todd Hartley: I’m With Stupid | AspenTimes.com

Todd Hartley: I’m With Stupid

Todd Hartley
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO Colorado

OK, I know you’ve heard this before, but it bears repeating: If you are on a prescription anti-depression medication, do not stop taking it. I can’t possibly stress this enough.

First of all, if you go off your meds, you could end up right back in the depressed state that prompted you to seek pharmaceutical help to begin with. This is so obvious it pains me to have to remind you of it, but I’m willing to suffer for your mental health.

More importantly, though, by ceasing to take your pills you could end up doing something of questionable judgment that you might ultimately regret. You may think you’re too smart for such a fate to befall you, but you’d be well advised to heed the cautionary tale of a 26-year-old German man who decided it would be a good idea to stop taking his pills earlier this week.

Having gone off his meds, the man – let’s call him Rolf – left his house carrying a puppy and wearing nothing but a pair of shorts. In an uptight society like Germany’s, such partial nudity alone could be considered shocking, but Rolf was just getting started, and he was still somewhat in control of his mental faculties. You’ll see how his judgment became increasingly more questionable as the medicine gradually left his system.

With puppy in hand, Rolf drove to a Hell’s Angels clubhouse, which is basically a bad idea even in Germany. I know that to we Americans, who tend to think of our neighbors across the pond as chain-smoking Eurowimps, the idea of a German biker gang seems rather silly. Believe it or not, though, once upon a time Germans were actually considered pretty tough. Just ask the French and the Poles.

In any event, Rolf probably shouldn’t have been going anywhere near a biker gang’s clubhouse, regardless of how unthreatening the gang may have seemed. But if he’d just driven past and maybe given them the finger (or whatever the German equivalent is), chances are he’d have made out all right. Rolf, though, had grander ambitions.

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He got out of the car, walked toward the clubhouse, dropped his shorts and mooned the gang. At this point, presumably, the Hell’s Angels were experiencing a broad range of emotions. It’s a good bet that they were all a little confused, as biker gangs tend not to get mooned very often, and I’d wager that the majority of them probably found the whole scene amusing. Of course, bikers generally being belligerent jackasses, some of them were surely irate and looking to beat Rolf to a bloody pulp.

Still, however, Rolf might have gotten off scot-free if he’d just mooned and run, but this is when he made his big mistake. For reasons unknown, after pulling his shorts up, Rolf hurled the puppy at the Hell’s Angels.

Why would he throw a puppy? Who knows, but I’m guessing it had something to do with not taking his medications, and it certainly made me hope that the bikers actually would beat him to a bloody pulp. I’d been solidly in his corner to that point in the story, but when you start throwing puppies, that’s when you lose my support.

So what did Rolf do next? Did he hop back in his car and speed off before the bikers could get him? Well, no. That would have required logical thinking, and Rolf’s brain had ceased functioning correctly long before that. Instead, Rolf stole a bulldozer from a nearby construction site and made his getaway – very, very slowly – in the lumbering vehicle. He went so slowly, in fact, that within minutes traffic on the highway was backed up 5 kilometers behind him. This may be the only reason he wasn’t beaten to a bloody pulp, actually. I imagine the Hell’s Angels were stuck in gridlock and couldn’t get to him.

Anyway, after driving the bulldozer about a kilometer or so, Rolf abandoned it in the middle of the road and continued his journey by hitchhiking. He was later arrested at home by the police, who so far have not deduced a motive for Rolf’s bizarre actions.

The puppy, you will be happy to know, is doing fine and being cared for at an animal shelter. As for Rolf, who never got the beating he deserved, let’s just pray that he’s started taking his pills again so that no more German puppies have to worry about getting hucked at bikers.