Thoughts from the Big Idea File
September 15, 2006
I curse the Moleskine notebook, that trendy little pocket-sized book that I don’t even know how to pronounce – does it rhyme with “pin” or “pine?” Or, as has been suggested, “mean?” And, really, do you have to know how to pronounce something in order to curse it?Which is a perfect example of why I’m cursing – if I were walking around and said, in whatever strange context, “Do you have to know how to pronounce something in order to curse it?” I would stop dead, whip the Moleskine from my back pocket and write that down. Because I think it’s clever or funny or something. I do the same with overheard quotes: weird little word combinations I may see, odd ideas, made up words, bad puns – there’s me, scribble, scribble, scribble.I used to think it was kinda cool – oh, look at me, writing things down! But now it’s like some tic that others are polite about.I then go home and transfer all of this stuff from the accursed Moleskine into the Big Idea File on my computer, because I clearly know how to have a good time. Then, on days like today, I go through the Big Idea File and turn these nuggets into a little column, because clearly I know how to force my good time on you.So …The big idea file Overheard Quote: “Let’s just spend a minute for a second on this next topic.” Pewphemism – When something smells really bad, but you speak of it kindly. Dildodo Bird – An extinct species of specifically shaped bird which was bred for sexual pleasure. Well, the BREEDING part wasn’t for pleasure, though it was probably pleasurable to them, but they were bred in such a way as to be … you know what I mean. Judgment call forwarding. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a class by myself. Conversational algebra. I think I may be early. Want to find water on Mars? Send me up there for a few minutes to walk around in socks. I find it hardest to listen to my inner guidance when it’s telling me to allow other people to listen to theirs. Anarcolepsy – The freedom to take a nap whenever I want. Something I wrote down for reasons that I will never, ever remember – “Bathroom guy with computer.” Boulevard of Realized Dreams. Boring. GPASS – Navigational device for those who are unable to find their ass with both hands. Excerpt from a motivational speech that I want to give some day – “When I think of the secret to success, one word comes to mind. A word that starts with an ‘R’ and ends with a ‘K.’ That word is ‘illiteracy.'” “Yeah, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death” – A quote from the Bible, but also a very good name for a track lighting company. He decided to kill himself and everyone around him, but alas, he did so in that order. The note found next to his body read: “They all had to pay.” This left the police wondering who “they” were. There was no they, just one dead guy with poor organizational skills. Tomorrow never comes, but it has gotten real good at faking it. In the Vegas “Paris” hotel, all the signs are in “French,” meaning they just put a “le” in front of everything – le elevator, le casino, le emergency exit, le fire extinguisher. However, since I don’t speak French, I was very disoriented most of the time I was there. This may also have been due to le alcohol. Two Embarrassingly Late Entries in the Most Spoofed Book Title in Recent History, and These Have Probably Already Been Done …”Chicken Soup for the Lap, Front of the Shirt and Expensive Persian Rug””Chicken Soup for the Vegetarian-Who-Eats-Fish-Chicken-and-Occasionally-Veal’s Soul” If the Dalai Llama came to town, would the Dalai Llama bother going to see him?
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