The lemon life | AspenTimes.com

The lemon life

Barry Smith

“When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.”

So the saying goes. But why settle for making lemonade when there are so many more possibilities?

When life hands you lemons …

* Cut them in half and squeeze the stinging, citrus pulp into the eyes of those who would dare to mock, threaten or oppose you.

* Just as life hands them to you, quickly toss them back. Yell, “You touched ’em last!” Then run away.

* Say, “Lemons? For me? Cool. Can I have some more?” Life will comply, as it is eager to give you lemons. When it does, exclaim, “Hey, everybody, look at all these lemons! I’m the luckiest man alive!” Life will eventually become bored with its game of handing you lemons, since you obviously aren’t going to play along, and will go off to find someone else to mess with.

* Stick shards of broken, colored glass in them, douse them with a bodily fluid of your choice and suspend them from lengths of rusty chain. Give each newly altered lemon a different title, like “Conscience Resolution,” or “The Indifference of the Soul.” Hire a PR firm to get them displayed in a Soho art gallery. Take the art world by storm.

* Juggle.

* Go online to http://www.citrus-sex.com and check out pictures of people doing things you never even imagined to themselves, and each other, with lemons. Do these things to yourself and others. Bless this time we live in.

* Make lemonade. Add vodka. Drink. Declare that “life ishn’t scho bad after all.”

* Use them, along with some household white glue, to construct a medium-sized pyramid. Form a religion based around this structure and its inspirational and healing powers, with yourself as the charismatic leader. Draft a doctrine which places an emphasis on the redeeming qualities of giving and selflessness. Enjoy your tax-free status.

* Lemon fight!

* Simply refuse to sign for them. Life’s lemons can’t be delivered without an authorized signature.

* Pretend to “accidentally” drop one of them. When life bends over to pick it up, give life a major wedgie. Run away (without the lemons, of course).

* Pack them around a postal shipment whose smell you wish to disguise.

* Accept them graciously, so as not to cause life to suspect you of anything. Then stick one in life’s exhaust pipe while it’s in the grocery store picking up more lemons.

(Next time: What is a bird in the hand REALLY worth?)

Barry Smith’s column runs in The Aspen Times on Mondays. His e-mail address is barry@Irrelativity.com, and his very own Web page is at http://www.Irrelativity.com


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