The ‘Irrelativity’ holiday gift guide | AspenTimes.com

The ‘Irrelativity’ holiday gift guide

Barry Smith

One Christmas morning, years ago, my 4-year-old brother stood before the tree in his little footie pajamas and eagerly tore into a small package from my grandparents. The whole family watched as he removed the wrapping to reveal … a pair of gloves.Without hesitation, he threw the offending gloves onto the ground – really spiked them hard – and yelled, “Dookie! I wanted a toy!” Lucky for him, everyone in the room with spanking rights (for this was the Deep South) thought this display of unbridled honesty was cute and adorable, and Christmas morning proceeded without a switch.That moment set the holiday bar for me – the passion, the potential for disappointment, the honesty, the footie pajamas. With this in mind, it’s time for:The ‘Irrelativity’ Gift Guide For the man who has everything, why not get him a nice card that says, “Dude, you have, like, everything, yet I’m still supposed to buy you something else? Are you kidding? Why don’t you give ME some of YOUR stuff, you greedy bastard? Merry Christmas.”Similarly, for that “hard to please” person on your list, how about making them a Mix CD? Title it, “Songs About Sucking The Joy Out Of The Season By Being So Picky.” Everyone loves porn, otherwise the Internet would have fizzled out in 1998. Consider getting the porn lover in your life (which is, as I said, everyone) a Christmas-Themed Porn-Pak DVD Set. There are plenty of Holiday-related titles to choose from:”Miracle On 34D Street””A Charlie Brown Shower Christmas””I Came Upon A Midnight Clear””Yes Vagina, There is a Santa Claus” At some point during your holiday season, someone is going to drop by unexpectedly with a gift for you, leaving you in that awkward position of having to say, “I, uh … didn’t get you anything. Sorry.” Well, not if you buy yourself a box of Q-Tips and some ribbon! Simply gather up a dozen Q-Tips, tie them up with ribbon into a festive little bundle and attach a card that says, “‘Ears’ wishing you a happy and healthy holiday season. WARNING: Swabs should only be used on the outside of the ear, and NEVER placed directly in the ear canal. Merry Christmas!”Q-Tips are sold in boxes of 500-1000, so you can easily (and cheaply) make plenty of these cute little face-saving gifts.Now, when that pesky freeloader stops by at the last minute with his guilt-inducing offering, you can grab one of your pre-made Q-Tip bundles from under the tree and say, proudly, “Thanks for the plasma TV. Here, I got you this! Go on! Read the card!” Each time you check your e-mail, you probably get plenty of amazing offers that you just delete. Why be so hasty? This is the season for giving. Surely you know someone in your life who could use 85 percent off inkjet cartridges and laser toners, a home loan (regardless of their credit), a bigger penis in minutes, a genuine Rolex or some Truly Amazing Crocodile Medicine. Well, your holiday gift hassles can be over with just a click of the “forward” button. Generic prescription drugs by mail! Merry Christmas! There’s something about a handmade gift that people just love. Alas, most of these gifts fall into the euphemistic “It’s the thought that counts” category. This year, put away the construction paper, white glue and glitter and make something that that special someone will REALLY enjoy. A 5GHz dual-processor computer, for example. Or a snowmobile. Or a dialysis machine. How hard could it be, if you really set your mind to it, to dig up the remains of several deceased pets, stitch together the parts in an interesting way, and reanimate them, creating a really neat, tastefully designed Frankenpet? Probably not much harder than rolling a pinecone around in fake snow and tying a piece of fishing line to it. If all else fails, go with gift certificates. They are a nice way of saying “I don’t care to spend the time to get to know you well enough to think of something thoughtful to buy you, so here, buy your own damn gift! Or better yet, maybe you can redeem it for cash and go to a totally different store. Sure, I could have just given you a $20 bill instead, but what am I, your grandmother? Just be glad I didn’t get you gloves. Merry Christmas.”

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