The Aspen view: a tad warped | AspenTimes.com
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The Aspen view: a tad warped

Janet Urquhart

Nothing jolts you back to Aspen’s skewed reality like discovering you’ve landed in the No. 2 spot in the drawing for an “affordable” housing unit. You sit around half-hoping the phone will ring and it will be the housing office on the line, telling you the winner has passed up the chance to plunk down more than a hundred-grand for a studio apartment that doesn’t allow pets and can only accommodate about a third of your possessions. The phone hasn’t rung, but the ordeal got me to thinking: Maybe I’ve been hanging around here a little too long. The signs are everywhere, if I care to look.Don’t think you’re trapped in the Aspen mind warp? Take this little quiz and find out.The Aspen test1. As you fill up your tank, at $2.66 a gallon, you:a) Think about buying a hybrid, which is ridiculous, since you can’t even afford gas.b) Think nothing of it, because the price sounds about right.c) Glance about furtively and consider a gas and dash.d) Swear you’ll “show them” by driving two hours and 80 miles round trip to fill up in Glenwood from now on.2. The mountain bike on the back of your car is worth more than:a) Your car.b) Your buddy’s bike (which is what really matters).c) One month’s rent (it’s a helluva bike).d) Your other mountain bike.3. When you discover a full ski pass will run you $1,079 this season, you:a) Sell your bike.b) Cut back to a two-day pass.c) Quit skiing.d) Bitch and moan, then buy one anyway.4. When you fail to win the lottery for a 513-square-foot studio priced at $108,599, you:a) Retain your current roommate situation, which involves six slobs and two dogs of equally questionable pedigree.b) Think about weatherproofing your van.c) Hope for a cushy property-management gig that comes with living quarters.d) Quickly turn around and bid on a 388-square-foot condo priced at $111,992.5. When the weather gets frickin’ cold, even though it’s only mid-August, you:a) Start cursing, because none of your jeans fit.b) Think nothing of it, as if winter starts at this time of year everywhere.c) Close the windows.d) Head for the desert.6. There’s a bear in your kitchen. You:a) Call 911.b) Follow your dog’s lead and cower in the bedroom.c) Snap photos.d) Beg him to leave the beer.If you answered (d) to all the above, not only have you lived here too long, but you’re going to stay.Janet Urquhart has lived here too long. Her e-mail is janet@aspentimes.com


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