Taking a moment of your time | AspenTimes.com
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Taking a moment of your time

Barry Smith

Here at “Irrelativity,” it is our ongoing mission to provide you with the highest quality humor column that you don’t actually have to pay for. Please take a moment to fill out the following questionnaire so that we may better serve your needs.1. What do you like most about “Irrelativity?” (choose all that apply):A. Way the author constantly refers to himself in the plural.B. It’s not too loud.C. Makes me feel safe in an increasingly dangerous and unpredictable world.D. It’s free.E. Reading about the childhood experiences, thought processes and strange obsessions of someone I don’t know makes me the kind of person everyone wants to invite to holiday parties.2. What improvements/changes would you like to see in upcoming installments of “Irrelativity?” A. More questionnaires. B. Make it a lot longer, and write it in blood.C. Include next week’s winning Lotto numbers.D. More nudity/profanity/blasphemy.E. Make it funny.6. Make it “scratch ‘n sniff.”3. If you were describing “Irrelativity” to a friend, but your friend was very, very busy, leaving you with only enough time to use one concise sentence, what would it be?A. “It’s free.”B. “Remember how you were saying that you regretted spending all that time as a child learning to read? Well … oops, this is the second sentence.”C. “And last week he did this questionnaire thing, and he put these exact words in it!”D. “It’s the only thing I’ve found that keeps my skin this soft.”4. What type of question would you like to see here in the future?A. True or falseB. EssayC. Multiple choiceD. Fill in the blankE. The final one#####Now I’d like to get some information about you, the reader.5. I am …A. A little bit country AND a little bit rock ‘n’ rollB. The WalrusC. Iron ManD. Woman, hear me roar6. I have a tattoo of the Pope:A. On my legB. On my armC. On my backD. In a place that has made the best use, dimensionally speaking, of his funny hatE. All of the above, each one capturing the Pope in his many different moods7. Do you sometimes feel that no one understands you?A. 19B. GiraffeC. The Battle of Lexington and ConcordD. Rodney Allen RippeyE. Hey, diddle diddle8. Complete the following: “If I had a hammer, I would …”A. Hammer in morningB. Hammer in the eveningC. Put it in that drawer in the kitchen with the rubber bands and extra twist ties and only use it occasionally, like for hanging a picture or opening a wine bottle.9. Essay – Describe, in five paragraphs, just how hard it is to write five whole paragraphs about ANYTHING, let alone such a vague topic. Compare and contrast, and don’t forget to use examples.10. This is the place where the “joke” question about two different trains leaving two different stations would normally go. Is it OK with you if we skip it?A. Yes, please.B. Awwww … I laugh at that one every time.C. What’s a train?11. Billy has five apples. He gives Becky three. Why?A. Wants to sleep with her.B. Hates apples, but is greedy.C. Wants to sleep with her sister.D. They are both learning to juggle, and he isn’t that good yet.E. She believed in him when no one else did and he wants to show his gratitude, and since he already has these apples he figures it’ll be cheaper than buying chocolate or flowers or a spa gift certificate. Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. If you feel you’d like a score for your efforts, even though it’s not really “that” kind of quiz, simply give yourself an arbitrary amount of points and use that number as a standard by which to compare yourself to others.Barry Smith’s column runs in The Aspen Times on Mondays. His e-mail address is barry@Irrelativity.com, and his very own Web page is at http://www.Irrelativity.com


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