Su Lum: Slumming
November 13, 2012
The lesson to be taken from the recent election is that straight, white men should no longer be allowed to take part in politics.
You had your chance, and you’ve been blowing it ever since we apes began walking upright. So finish out your diminishing terms of office, and that’s it. Don’t let the door hit you on your way out.
Take your warmongering ways and your pinot envy; take your trans-vaginal probes and your scientific ignorance; take your white sheets and your lies and your PACs and your outsourcing and your offshore accounts and your filibusters and your crooked banks and your religious chest-thumping, and get out of the way for a couple of decades.
Would women have instituted slavery? Would black people have perpetrated the Holocaust? Would gays have wiped out the Native Americans? I don’t think so.
It’s time to initiate reverse suffrage. From now on, only women and minorities will be allowed to vote. For centuries, straight, white men successfully suppressed the vote of everybody except white, straight men like themselves. They still were trying to tighten the voting rules in this last election, so it’s time to turn things around.
White, straight men who are serious about voting should be given a small window of time on Election Day – say from 3 to 5 p.m. – and should come prepared with their income tax returns to prove that they have paid their fair share over the past 10 years and present ownership papers for their hybrid cars.
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They also should carry a certificate of completion in a course in female anatomy and global warming.
Early voting will be allowed for those believers in legitimate rape who have repented and have undergone a vasectomy or voluntary sterilization.
It will be a different world with Elizabeth Warren president, Rachel Maddow secretary of state, Barney Frank secretary of war and Hello Kitty for – I don’t know what Hello Kitty should be, but we’ll have a couple of years to figure it out.
There will be no more two-party system, no Electoral College.
Why did we have to go through all that for more than a year? Nine hundred ninety-nine (which is 666 upside down), Santorum, Newt, Perry, Bachman. Obama shouldn’t even have had to run against those guys, much less that they’d all spend $2.5 billion on advertising for absolutely nothing.
Only the 1 percent think that they can buy elections.
It all came down to a handful of undecided voters, and if they hadn’t decided by then, they hadn’t been paying attention. As the kids say, WTF? Loosely translated, that means something like, “What the hell?”