State of the Union, take two | AspenTimes.com
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State of the Union, take two

Randall Day

My fellow Americans, it’s with a great deal of humility that I write this speech, even though nobody asked. (No laughter or applause; I’m alone at home, looking in a mirror on the back of my bedroom door.)I am compelled to begin tonight’s address with the topic of Iraq. The injuries to a network anchor and cameraman recently have focused attention on what happens to survivors of gunfire and explosions. We have had a rare opportunity to see the evacuation process, the MASH facilities, the airlifts, the sophisticated care in Germany. The same thing that happens to the sons and daughters, husbands and wives, fathers and mothers who are injured fighting “terrorism.”The tragedy of the injuries of this war brings to mind the Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund, an effort to build a facility to care for the members of the military wounded in Iraq and Afghanistan. All too many are wounded, disabled by their service to the nation. If it is in service to the nation, why is the effort to build this facility private? (Thunderous applause.) Where is the care from the government? Why are we selling lemonade and having spaghetti dinners to raise money for this? Some government official should have his/her phone tapped to find out where the “public” money is really going.Remember Osama bin Laden? We heard from him a couple of weeks ago. It was immediately verified that it was his voice. How come he’s still out there? What’s he been doing? Working at a 7-Eleven in New Jersey? (Careful snickers would ripple across the audience, if there was one.) Another carefully buried story by the administration bobbed to the surface like a body lost at sea. I have about as much faith that the esteemed law enforcement agencies in the United States will find him and bring him to justice as I have that President Bush can utter a spontaneous sentence that will even remotely make some sense. I keep thinking of Andy sending Barney out to arrest Otis, only this time Otis is the real deal. (Honest laughter.)Another achievement of the last year is that the infrastructure of the U.S. economy is beginning to crumble. The Big Three automakers are in need of their own airlift to an undisclosed location for recuperative services. As the quake began with ripples, it burst into the fore by Ford announcing massive layoffs. The very company that began the industry is fraying at the seams. Does this mean the same for GM and Chrysler? Will the giants of industry be given the signal that it’s OK to throw your loyal workers in the toilet? How many workers have lost the pensions that assured them a reasonable retirement? How many workers no longer have adequate health care benefits? How may workers need to find some sort of work in order to survive their retirement? (More applause.) Who, if not the nation’s leadership, is responsible for allowing this to happen? We need to hang our heads in shame that we allowed an entire city and coastline wash into the sea. This administration has spent more money than any in history and not one social program to help the population survive. There are some things we can conclude about the state of the union. The nation has begun to accept the concept of outsourcing. When we call the Dell help desk we are talking to New Delhi. Families have outsourced cooking to Wendy’s and the Olive Garden. Automobiles have been outsourced to Germany, Japan and Korea. And the government has outsourced its decision-making to Jack Abramoff. We are outsourcing our ingenuity. We’ve outsourced our addiction to oil to Canada, Venezuela and the Saudis. We’ve outsourced our addiction to drugs to Colombia and Mexico. We’re doing a great job because it all comes back to be purchased in the good old USA.We need to stop giving our livelihood away. We’ve built the model, everyone has copied it, and now we are watching them do a better job. We need to take control of what is ours. This administration has outsourced its grasp of human needs. They’ve outsourced goals in education to limited state budgets and impoverished local school districts. The present administration has no conscience. They call it “compassion,” but it’s really delusion. We need to take it back.Let’s outsource the presidency; let’s ask our elected officials to do what they were elected to do. Let’s see if the new Supreme Court can actually rule on the law when impeachment proceedings begin. (Standing O.) We need to take it back. It’s our ball. Let’s pick it up and find new people to play the game. We need to take it back. (More applause. I need to go, my wife is getting suspicious about all the commotion coming from behind the bedroom door.)Thank you and good night. (Applause and autographs for everyone!)Randall Day is a local teacher and lives in Old Snowmass.


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