Songs of cheer
Well, I made it through yet another annual visit from the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future.By this point in my life they’ve been here so often that they don’t even bother taking me around and showing me how my foul holiday attitude affects others, they just barge in – all three of them at once – tell me I suck and start drinking my beer.I’m used to their visits by now, but there’s one unpleasantness about Christmas that I can never get used to – the songs. After weeks of the muzak version of “Little Drummer Boy” rattling around in my melon, I’m flipping through the phone book trying to remember how to spell “Kevorkian.” (NOTE: If you are desperate to get a song unstuck from your head, use this Universal Song Cleansing Technique: simply hum the theme from “Sanford and Son.” I’m not joking, this really works, and could save your life this holiday season.)As a survival mechanism, each year I write new lyrics to heartwarming Christmas classics. Enjoy. I Came Upon a Midnight Clear(to the tune of “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear”)I came upon the midnight clear,While surfing Christmas porn,With angels dressed in leather gearA billion saviors were born.”Peace on the earth, good will to men,And please spare me from hell”There’s pleasure at my fingertipsThank God for DSL. Let It Go! (to the tune of “Let It Snow!”)So, your country re-elected Dubya,And your foreign friends now all snub ya,Let’s smoke a little mistletoe,Let it go, let it go, let it go.There’s really no point in frettin’,And wastin’ your time regrettin’Have another sip of Bordeaux,Let it go, let it go, let it go.So what if he might have cheated,He’ll see to it the oil’s depleted,Then solar power steals the show.Let it go, let it go, let it go.Santa Claus Is Going Hi-Tech (to the tune of “Santa Claus is Coming To Town”)Oh! You better watch out,you better not cry,you better not pout,I’m telling you why:Santa Claus is going hi-tech!He’s making a list,He’s checking it twice,Installing a hidden surveillance deviceSanta Claus is going hi-tech!He sees you when you’re surfing,He reads e-mails you send,He monitors your cell phone calls,And interrogates your friend!So …You better stay low,You better stay cleanCause soon you’ll find yourselfon the polygraph machine,Santa Claus is going hi-tech!God Bless You Hairy Gentlemen (to the tune of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”)God bless you hairy gentlemen,Now how are you today?Your wives are in the Botox Room,If you’ll step right this way,We’ll take care of your furry backs With vats of wax and clayO tidings of collagen and silicone,Collagen and silicone,O tidings of collagen and silicone!Walking in a Global Warming Land (to the tune of “Walking In A Winter Wonderland”)Sirens ring, are you listening,Things are dry, nothing’s glisteningA blinding sight,We’re toasty tonight,Walking in a global warming land.Gone away is the last bird,Here to stay is the lizard,Though he doesn’t chime,He sure loves the clime,Walking in a global warming land.In the meadow we can build a dirtman,Everyone around will join the fun,He’ll say: Are you Klansmen?We’ll say: No man,We wear these sheets to keep away the sun.Later on, we’ll perspire,Atmosphere is on fire,We’ll soon be alone,There’s no more ozone,Walking in a global warming land. Silent Night (to the tune of “O Tannenbaum!” Just kidding)Silent night, holy night,Just stay calm, it’s all rightChristmas time’s just once a yearStock the fridge with Valium and beerThank god for prescription dru-uuugs.Thank god for prescription drugs.Silent night, holy night,This song is serious mental blightMust forget this music, and I know howOnly Fred Sanford can save me now,Lamont, you big duu-uuummy!Lamont, you big dummy!Barry Smith’s column runs in The Aspen Times on Mondays. His e-mail address is firstname.lastname@example.org, and his very own web page is http://www.irrelativity.com.