Some new songs for the holidays | AspenTimes.com

Some new songs for the holidays

Barry Smith
Aspen, CO Colorado

Consider the following lyric from the Christmas classic “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”…

“With little tin horns and little toy drums, rootie-toot-toots and rum-a-tum tums. Santa Claus is comin’ to town.”

I’m sure that was all well and good early on in the last century when this song ” along with many Christmas songs ” was written. But can you imagine “Santa” getting away with such behavior today?

JUNIOR (unwrapping gift): “What the hell is this?”

MOM: “It’s a rootie-toot-toot, honey. Isn’t it adorable?”

JUNIOR (whipping out cell phone): “That’s it, I’m calling child services.”

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DAD (to MOM): “Better not let him open the rum-a-tum-tum.”

With this in mind, I’ve dusted off a few classics and tried to bring them into the new Millennium. You’re welcome.

Hark! The herald angels sing

Glory to my brand new things!

Peace on Earth is well and good,

But check out my new seven wood!

Joyful, nations, blah blah blah

I got a new Yamaha;

With the angelic host proclaim

Sweet! A Wii video game!

Hark! The herald angels sing

Glory to the my brand new things!

Christ, by highest heaven adored;

My new boots and new snowboard;

Late in time behold him come,

A quart of good Jamaican rum!

Veiled in flesh the Godhead see;

A new surround sound DVD,

Pleased as man with man to dwell;

A timeshare at the Ritz Hotel!

Hark! The herald angels sing

Glory to the my cool new things!

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

(reindeer)

Had a very shiny nose

(like a light bulb)

And if you ever saw it

(Googled it)

You would even say it glows

(like a California forest/residential fire)

All of the other reindeer

(reindeer)

Used to laugh and call him names

(like c***s***er)

They never let poor Rudolph

(Rudizzle)

Join in any reindeer games

(like Call of Duty IV: Modern Warfare)

Then one foggy Christmas Eve

Santa came to say

(I’m Rick James, bitch!)

Rudolph with your nose so bright

Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?

Then all the reindeer loved him

(pretended to love him, hoping that nuzzling up to his newfound popularity might somehow help their B-list reindeer status and perhaps even land them a role in a Celebreindeereality show)

And they shouted out with glee

(The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire!)

“Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

(a**hole!)

You’ll go down in history!”

(like Bush’s legacy of fabricated “weapons of mass destruction” possession and manufacturing capability pretenses under which Iraq was initially invaded)

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A new web sight to see, pa rum pum porn porn

Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum porn porn

Mpegs and web cams too, pa rum pum porn porn, rum pum porn porn, rum pum

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So, come indeed I did, pa rum pum porn porn

I am a poor boy too, pa rum pum porn porn

I pay no membership fees, pa rum pum porn porn

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O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree!

You are a fire hazard!

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,

My cat won’t stop eating you!

Don’t get me wrong, tradition’s great,

It just might need a slight update,

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,

Whose idea was it to kill a perfectly good tree and put it in your house in the first place?

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,

You have about as much to do with the birth of the baby Jesus as chocolate eggs has to do with His resurrection

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,

But I realize that bringing up the blatant Pagan origins of Christian holiday traditions is seriously frowned upon at the dinner tables

In two short weeks these tannenbaums,

Will rot in heaps on our front lawns.

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,

I’m probably just bitter because our family always had a cheesy fake one.