Some new carols yule love |

Some new carols yule love

Barry Smith

Aspen, CO ColoradoI get nostalgic during the holidays, all misty and wistful for the bygone days when we used to gather ’round the Yule log and make up new, often inappropriate words for timeless and heartwarming Christmas songs. Things haven’t really changed that much, except these days I don’t sit around an actual Yule log, but I do spend a lot of time at’White Trash Christmas (To the tune of ‘White Christmas’)I’m dreaming of a white trash ChristmasWarm Santa cookies baked with lardFor a Schlitz I’m reachin’, and children screechin’Domestic disturbances in the yardI’m dreaming of a white trash Christmas With every restraining order I write May your mounted bass sing through the night And may all y’all’s relatives be white ‘Dubya Claus Is Coming To Town’ (to the tune of ‘Santa Claus is Coming To Town’)Oh! You better watch your mouth,you better not malign,Better not say “Da Bomb”On the telephone line:Dubya Claus is coming to town!He’s making a list,He’s checking it twice,Installing a hidden surveillance deviceDubya Claus is coming to town!He sees you when you’re surfing,He reads e-mails you send,He monitors your cell phone calls,And “interrogates” your friends!So!You better watch your front, You better watch your backHe’ll whisk you away with the Patriot Act,Dubya Claus is coming to town!’He Screamed at a Stranger’ (to the tune of ‘Away in a Manger’)He screamed at a stranger, he swore and he slurredOur once beloved Kramer yelled out the N-wordHe yelled it and yelled it ’til blue in the faceThen slinked off the stage having pissed off a raceWe can’t look away, we can’t help ourselvesThe Seinfeld DVD sets fly off of the shelvesBlame improv passion, or hate or cocainePoor Kramer’s not master of his own domain’It’s Beginning To Look a Lot Like an Isthmus’ (To the tune of ‘It’s Beginning To Look a Lot Like Christmas’)It’s beginning to look a lot like an isthmusEvery time I checkMy hair just stopped growing on the topBut I still have to shave my neckIt’s beginning to look a lot like an isthmusCurse this family geneThough it’s no surprise, now I realizeI’m no longer 19I’ll Be Stoned For Christmas (Tune of ‘I’ll Be Home For Christmas’)I’ll be stoned for Christmas;You can count on me.Please have chips and salsa dipsAnd a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.Christmas Eve will find meWatching old cartoons.Yes, I’ll be stoned for ChristmasJust like I’ve been since June.’O Christmas Tree’ (Tune of, surprisingly enough, ‘O Christmas Tree’)O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree!How are thy leaves so verdant!O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,I should probably look up “verdant!”This song is lame as it can beI’m singing to a goddam treeO Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,I hope no one is looking!O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,I bought you in a parking lot!O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,That takes some of the mystique out of you!This song is worse than a tour of ‘NamAt least I don’t call you a “Tannenbaum”O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,I still don’t know what “verdant” means!Read more on Barry’s blog,

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