Roger Marolt: Roger This | AspenTimes.com

Roger Marolt: Roger This

The U.S. Forest Service is firing a few loud rounds in the war on drugs. Thank goodness they didn’t take aim on a bear. Who knows what they would have hit.

Unknown to me and, I suspect, many others who drink only strong coffee to get high and habitually munch a bunch no matter what state of mind we are in, according to a recent warning issued by the Forest Service there are indisputable telltale signs that can lead us directly to those who grow grass on the other side of the fence in our nation’s vast wildernesses, especially in Pike National Forest.

Apparently marijuana farmers are more easily identified than any of us thought. Forget the beady, bloodshot eyes, the conversion vans with mangy curtains, and the foul breath on top of the patchouli oil. These are of no use. You are hereby warned that armed pot growers eat tortillas with Spam, wash it down with Tecate beer, and play “Spanish” music while they sow.

Who would have guessed it? La solucion de la problema es muy facile!

Oh my goodness! If Santana counts as “Spanish” music, I might have been a marijuana farmer in my early 20s and not known it. Then again, on that camping trip to Chapman Dam with my buddies, we may have eaten our fried Spam on bagels. Maybe we were inadvertent members of a Jewish drug cartel. Who knows? It was a long time ago and I swear that I’m clean now; it’s only baloney for me now. All I can say is that I am sorry.

At any rate, I think most of us, “the fools” excepted (you know who you are), probably see the real dangers in using these broad generalizations in labeling planters of pot. Now that the drug producers know what we are on green-alert for, think how easy it will be for them to start eating roast beef sandwiches, drinking Budweiser, and listening to Led Zeppelin while they work? Once de incognito, the only way to identify the criminals will be by their accents. (You did know that some of those people have light skin and blonde hair, didn’t you?) And even in that case, they might learn to speak Italian. They all look the same anyway. Way to spill the beans, so to speak.

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Oh, well. Even if we can’t catch them, at least we now have data to gauge the depth of the drug problem. Did you know that almost 120 million cans of Spam are purchased in our country every year? If each cannabis cultivator eats a can every day for lunch, that means we have over 325,000 pot growers in this country right now! Maybe it’s time to stop selling the bogus ham. At any rate, it should never be put on sale.

Of course the Forest Service, or at least those in charge of it who now have their heads on the chopping block because they offended perfectly innocent people who have only experimented with Tecate beer for the thrill of being vicariously associated with thugs of the underworld who live off the stuff, has issued an apology for their insensitivity. Ranger Rick Cables issued a statement that said in part, “We sincerely apologize to the Hispanic community and anyone else we may have offended.”

May have offended? Who cares who they offended? We’re talking about drug dealers here, and if people are so politically correct that they can’t stand to know what drug dealers eat, drink, and do the ChaCha to, then the whole damned shebang of them better jump into the nearest asbestos hand basket and get ready for the long trip south. And yes, I am talking about The Place far hotter and much farther south than the land where Panama Red struck Acapulco gold.

Ranger Rick continued by saying, “Our goal was to inform the public of these [ganja-growing] activities and create safety awareness among the hunters and hikers who travel to our remote backcountry areas and who may come upon these illegal operations.”

Aside from ignoring mountain bike riders, who all smoke pot and probably know where the good stashes are anyway, to me this was like a wink and a nod over the liberal media’s head. He might as well have said, “Sorry it turned out this badly, but at least now you know what to look out for when you’re strolling through the woods. I wish that I could have warned you about the Taco Bell wrappers, too, before it all blew up … the incident that is, not the carnitas. I’m innocent. I swear. I only eat Chinese at lunch. Wanna smell my breath?”

Of course Forest Service officials had good reason to issue their warnings. They were posted after more than 14,000 marijuana plants were discovered in Pike National Forest. The officials stated that they believe illegal immigrants are being brought to Colorado by Latin American drug cartels for mass cultivation of the crops.

Given this dire warning we might excuse the conclusions they hastily drew from stumbling across a third of an acre pot plot in the woods. While it might be an overgeneralization to say that all pot growers eat Spam, drink Mexican beer, and crank “Spanish” tunes, the officials meant no offense to drug dealers.

What can’t be doubted from their warning, however, is that all people who drink Tecate beer are clearly illegal immigrants.

There’s nothing to worry about. Roger Marolt makes his tacos with Wonder bread. Chew him out at roger@maroltllp.com.

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