Princess no match for a queen
I’m in Steamboat with my parents because my mom bashed her face in on a rock when she fell off her mountain bike. “The bike stopped but I didn’t,” is the way she describes it.She has two black eyes and cuts all over her nose and doesn’t seem to mind that the rest of the world assumes she’s just had plastic surgery. “I’m an old lady. What can I tell you? I really don’t care,” she said when I suggested a different kind of cover-up than the one she was using.I was concerned when I heard about the accident, so I came up here to “take care of her” since she’s like 62 and I’m all young and whatnot. Plus, I wanted to make sure she’s wasn’t going to get all senile on me and forget what I want for Christmas.I also wanted to take advantage of the time we could spend together that didn’t involve my parents’ typical routine, a hectic schedule of various outdoor “activities” with my dad that would probably kill Lance Armstrong. He’s one of those competitive types who can never go far enough fast enough, and says things like “What took you so long?” at the end of a grueling hike or bike ride. When she told me she’s taking “time off” from Berkley Boot Camp, I was like, “Sweet, I’m so there. Can we get pedicures?”But no. Her idea of “rest” is taking various classes – like two a day – at the local gym.So far this week, we’ve done “Relaxed Yoga” (nothing that takes an hour and a half should be called “relaxed” in my book), “Stretch & Strengthening” (still wondering where the “stretch” part was supposed to come in) and “Extreme Step,” (The only thing extreme about a bunch of ladies jumping up and down on a box in those Reebok high-tops for more than an hour is that it’s extreme-ly difficult).At her gym, they’ve got this huge studio on the second floor with a schedule of classes pinned up on a bulletin board outside of it. All the ladies gather around to decide what class they’re going to next, like little kids choosing activities at camp. Instead of making macaroni jewelry and shooting balloons with BB guns, they have “Better Buns with Misti” and “Ashtrayinmycabana Yoga with Ben” to choose from.This goes on all the livelong day, so there is no way out of it. No matter what day or time it is, mom’s going to find at least one more class she wants to go to.Like this morning, after like 350 sets of biceps curls that took up most of the hour of the S&S class, she looks at me and goes, “Wanna do Pilates? It’s right after this.”If I had any strength left in my arms, I would have shaken her senseless, but then I remembered I came here to help her, not strangle her. Besides, she looked so pathetic with all those bruises. So I restrained myself and replied, “Sure, I’d love to go out to lunch.” The only thing that’s more humiliating than having your ass kicked by your 60-something mom is having your ass kicked by your 60-something mom who bashed her face in mountain biking. I’m going to need like a whole team of professionals to take care of me after going to all these mofo classes. A chiropractor to adjust my stiff neck, a massage therapist to rub my sore shoulders, and a shrink to help me with the inferiority complex I have developed after realizing that I am weak and pathetic and very out of shape. Only pussies work out once a day! Also, she looks better in spandex than me. She’s way skinnier and more ripped, even if her face is the color of a rotten plum. But in a way, that just makes her more rad. Battle wounds. Cool.One must train for many hours to acquire the strength, stamina, ripped limbs and low body fat of Mountain Mom. They must never concede exhaustion and always show enthusiasm for the next activity (listed on the bulletin board outside the studio). They also must never eat, because why should one waste time with a meal when they can be working out?”I guess when you get old, you sort of forget to eat,” said the woman who had an extra freezer in the garage just for ice cream while I was growing up. It’s all her fault!I will be sure to tell the therapist that right after we discuss how timid I am in life since I would never ride my mountain bike fast enough to smash up my face like that. I am way conservative on the downhills, always riding the brakes so I don’t get too out of control. You can hear me from a mile away, the squeaking of burning rubber going off like wimp alarms. Loser! What does it all mean?I just hope she feels better soon because I really need to go home and recuperate.The Princess will be returning to Aspen on Friday to attend the can’t-miss benefit for Pat Culley, the rugby player who sustained a major spinal injury and is now recovering at the Shepard Spinal Center in Atlanta. Come party with all the cute rugby dudes and hot rugby groupie chicks at the Sky Hotel this Friday at 5:30 p.m. Free beer and wine, cash bar, live music and dancing, and silent auction, all for a $25 donation. Can’t wait to see you there!
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The COVID-19 pandemic has caused untold amounts of suffering and disruption, and we’ll probably tell those stories for the rest of our lives.