Paul Andersen: Fair Game
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO Colorado
Now that the Texas Board of Education has determined that school history books are “skewed too far to the Left,” a new chapter must be written. Here are some suggestions for American history, Texas-style.
“In fourteen-hundred and ninety-two/Columbus sailed the ocean blue/it’s hard to believe that this is true/but he sailed for Texas, too.” This ditty is now sung in Texas schools, revealing that Columbus, after taking on slaves at Hispaniola, sailed for Galveston to tank up on crude oil for the voyage home. That’s why three coastal towns in Texas are named Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria.
History books have erroneously claimed that Plymouth Rock was the landfall for the Pilgrims, but any durned fool knows it was Corpus Christi, Texas. The Pilgrims named that city believing that Mount Calvary was perched on a landfill at nearby Beeville.
The “shot heard round the world” has mistakenly been located at Concord Bridge. Setting the record strait, it was Nacogdoches, Texas, where the British first felt the wrath of American patriots. Turns out a British night patrol encountered a group of inebriated French tourists on a sight-seeing jaunt from New Orleans. The shots they heard were champagne corks popping.
The Declaration of Independence was not written in Virginia. Everybody knows that the formative document was written in Huntsville, Texas, where Thomas Jefferson was having a love affair with an entire family of slaves.
If you think the Constitution was adopted in Philadelphia, then it’s time for some Texas truth tellin’. The Constitution originated in Philadelphia, but it was voted into adoption in Odessa, Texas, after members of the Constitutional Congress got on the wrong train at Penn Station and found themselves in the Lone Star State.
Texas statehood was achieved through the valor of selfless defenders of the Alamo. These stalwarts stood tall against upstart “Meskins” who dared to challenge the Monroe Doctrine, Manifest Destiny, and Davey Crockett. The only minor claims the Mexicans pretended to have were the moral and legal rights to their homeland.
The surrender of the Confederacy at Appomattox had nothing to do with the courthouse in Virginia. It occurred at Appoplexus, Texas, where Ulysses S. Grant was drinking at a bar with Robert E. Lee.
The most challenging revision for Texas historians will be sanitizing the presidential administration of George W. Bush, whose long-standing Texas name has been sullied by wrong-thinkin’ Liberals. Revised text books will show how Bush defeated Iraq single-handedly by orchestrating attacks from an aircraft carrier, all to restore honor to the besmirched reputation of his father and to secure oil contracts for Halliburton.
Fortunately for America, the conservative Texas agenda will spread far beyond the Lone Star state. Because Texas is a market leader in the school-textbook industry, the new course materials will apply to 80 percent of the nation’s textbook market. Already editors are working on world history – Texas style. Here are some suggested revisions:
The Magna Charta was not a British treatise; it originated in Magnum, Texas, when King Bush I granted voting privileges to everyone named Bush. The Treaty of Versailles was conceived not in France, but in Verseye, Texas, where Woodrow Wilson owned a sharecropper farm. For the Creationists, Adam and Eve were born in the small farming town of Eden, Texas. The city of Cainandabel, Texas, a few miles east of Eden, was named for the offspring of the First Couple.
And so the door to revisionist history creaks open to reveal a dimly lit archive plundered by political promiscuity. Coming soon will be science – Texas-style, in which evolution is debunked, climate change is a hoax, and the earliest origins of hominid intelligence are linked to Texas, which is why it’s right and proper that the Lone Star state sets the tone for American book larnin’.
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