New year’s predictions
Over the past five years, I’ve started each new year with some predictions for what the next 12 months might hold. Out of more 50 prognostications, three have thus far come true – I correctly predicted that “Starsky and Hutch,” “Bewitched,” and “The Dukes of Hazzard” would be made into feature-length films. The only thing is … I was joking. But this was years ago, and at the time it was actually kinda funny – “‘The Dukes of Hazzard as a movie? Ha!'” Keep in mind that this was before the death of satire.However, my poor psychic track record doesn’t keep me from polishing off the old crystal ball each year for a glimpse into the immediate future. So …Predictions for 2006 The expression “polishing off the old crystal ball,” if spoken over the telephone, will result in your name being put on the Homeland Security investigations list. Probably best that you just polish it off in the privacy of your home, and don’t go blabbing about it. Amazing advances in Tupperware technology will forever change the way we store food in our refrigerator until it starts to look like a Chia Pet. American astronauts will set foot on Mars, which will be a bit of a drag, as they will have been trying to go to the moon. In space, no one can hear you scream, “Who the hell spilled Tang on the map!?” Jesus, as per his promise, will finally make his triumphant return by floating down from the sky. He will be picked up on radar, causing Air Force jets to scramble. After failing to respond to radio demands to land at once, he will be “neutralized” by a heat-seeking missile. This will be for the best, because as with his previous visit, he will not speak English, so things wouldn’t have worked out for him anyway. Apple will unveil the iPoo, the first suppository MP3 player. Microsoft will scoff, claiming that they’ve been creating rectal-based technology for years. The new diet craze, Fatkins, will have Americans subsisting on nothing but warm bacon grease and Bit-O-Honeys. And loving it. Everything you thought you knew will turn out to be a lie. You’ll be shocked at first, but you’ll quickly settle into a newer, more comfortable lie, one with better cell phone coverage. In March, there will be a day, just one day, when nothing but good things happen – no explosions, no scandals, nobody will hold up a convenience store or kill his wife, nothing but lollipops and sunshine and little warm kittens. Everything will run smoothly, and everyone will come home at the end of the day feeling pretty darn good. Panicked news broadcasters will respond by playing highlights of the horrible things that have happened over the past month, and repeating warnings of the horrible things that are sure to come. Some celebrity that you’ve never met will do something – marry, divorce, cheat, adopt, die, whatever – and you will think that it actually has some relevance to your life. You will say aloud, more than once, “Can you believe it’s 2006 already? I mean, come on … 2006! That’s so weird. Isn’t it?” You will type your own name into Google, just to see where you stand in the grand scheme of things. You’ll then drop an e-mail to someone with your same name, saying, “Hey, we have the same name!” Nothing will come of it. Later, you’ll get an e-mail from a completely different person with the same name as you. You won’t know what to write back. Three-for-a-dollar avocados! The sun shall become black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon shall become as blood; and the stars of heaven shall falleth unto the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs when she is shaken of a mighty wind. And the kings of the Earth shall hide themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains, crying, “Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him that sitteth on the throne, and from the wrath of the lamb!” It’ll be pretty cool.
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