My new ZIP is 9021-oh yeah!
November 10, 2006
The quality of my life improved measurably following this week’s election.I was watching the news on Wednesday – E! News – when a commercial came on advertising a cable channel I’d never heard of – SOAPnet. For the life of me, I can’t figure out how SOAPnet’s existence previously escaped me. After all, I would think a network that airs back-to-back repeats Monday through Friday (plus three episodes in a row on Saturdays) of the greatest television show ever produced, “Beverly Hills, 90210,” would be something about which I would be and, quite frankly, should intimately be aware.Lounging on the couch in my favorite old ratty sweatshirt and shorts with a glass of Shiraz watching “90210,” I felt as though I’d died and gone to celebrity porn heaven.Seriously, discovering reruns of “90210” couldn’t have come at a better time. I’ve been feeling a bit out of sorts lately. Since we moved a month ago, my Us Weekly subscription has been delivered sporadically, if at all. The “War on Set – Grey’s Anatomy” issue got to me five days late, I never received, “Split: Reese and Ryan,” and this week’s installment, “Britney Storms Out,” should have been delivered already, but our mailbox is full of nothing but bills and my husband’s porn – Sports Illustrated.I’ve felt pangs of longing thinking about all the spicy Hollywood scoop I’ve been missing out on. I mean, besides the time when Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston (a couple of days after they held hands on the beach in Anguilla) for Angelina Jolie, and less than a year earlier when Jennifer Lopez got hitched to Marc Anthony almost immediately after breaking up with Ben Affleck, whom she had been scheduled to marry a few months earlier, has there ever been a more sustained, juicier gossip period than right at this moment? Without Us Weekly at my fingertips, I don’t know if Kevin Federline’s shocking custody countersuit against Britney Spears was premeditated (it has been reported that he submitted to the court this week an undated form requesting full custody of their two sons, leading to speculation it might have been filled out before he even knew she filed divorce papers). Has it been confirmed that Britney told K-Fed she was divorcing him through a text message? Did a Canadian television crew really catch the holy grail of white trash on tape as he found out that his meal ticket was kicking him to the curb? Have Reese Witherspoon pals substantiated rumors that the Oscar-winning actress found incriminating text messages from husband Ryan Phillippe’s mistress on his Blackberry? Is Madonna’s baby, David, adjusting to life with his Material Mom? Was Lindsay Lohan’s latest car crash a result of a paparazzi chase, or could she have been powdering her nose? Is Cameron Diaz seriously contemplating rhinoplasty? Are medical experts backtracking from previous claims that Nicole Richie is anorexic because she recently gained 10 pounds?In what Italian city is the castle located where Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are allegedly getting hitched next week? Who’s on the guest list? What about those whispers that TomKat might have a double Catholic/Scientology ceremony? Knowing I’m so out of the weekly glossy loop, imagine the wave of warmth that swept over me when I found myself back among my old friends from West Beverly High on Wednesday night. I didn’t miss an episode in the show’s 10-year run. (My dad even enabled my addiction by taping the show for me the semester in college I spent in England.)When I tuned in to the old gang this week, reigning “90210” prom queen Kelly had just killed Joe, the guy who raped her a few episodes earlier. But as it turns out, Joe had also been a client of Kelly’s lawyer boyfriend, Matt. The court had assigned Joe to Matt on a separate, unrelated charge, and Matt got him off on a technicality. Joe asked Matt to recommend a nearby store where he could purchase a gift. Matt sent Joe to Donna and Kelly’s store, Now Wear This. Well, Donna left the store early that night to find Noah to see if he’d take her back after she cheated on him with Wayne. Joe comes in, recognizes Kelly and sees that she’s alone, locks the door and takes out a knife. Kelly panics and takes out the gun Dylan gave her when she spoke to him in confidence about the rape (which was before she even told Matt about it because she and Dylan are soulmates even though they won’t act on their feelings until the series finale). She shoots Joe like a half dozen times, and he dies. Afterwards she kind of blames Matt for having Joe as a client and getting him off on a technicality, even though Matt didn’t know that Joe was the rapist when he took him on, because, you know, then he probably never would have sent him down to Kelly’s store. Practically the only current real-life coincidence that comes even close to being that salacious is Nicky Hilton now dating Ashley Olsen’s ex-boyfriend, David Katzenberg, after Nicky’s sister, Paris, dated Ashley’s twin, Mary Kate’s ex Stavros Niarchos, although Paris stole Stavros away from MK while they were still dating, and at least Nicky had the decency to wait until Ashley and David broke up on their own before she started dating him.I’m going to try and schedule any future moves around less heated Hollywood gossip times just in case it takes the post office and Us Weekly a few weeks to figure out exactly where to send my magazine. But at least I know that if their timing is still off, I’ll have “90210” episodes on SOAPnet on which to fall back. Real-life rumors and scandal are always good, but Aaron Spelling fiction is so much more deliciously scandalous.E-mail questions, comments or the complete first seasons of “Beverly Hills, 90210” and “Melrose Place” (now out on DVD) to firstname.lastname@example.org.
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