Meredith Carroll: Meredith Pro Tem
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO Colorado
That time of year has arrived when you’re inevitably trying to recall the origins of the relationship between eggnog and the birth of Jesus, and also beating your head against the wall while moaning, “Why does my Christmas list seem to get longer every year, and who are these people that keep creeping onto it?”
This December, trust that your supermarket’s milk case manager is privy to the correlation between dairy-based beverages spiked with rum and the gifts of the magi, and skip the actual mall – where you’ll inevitably be dragged into a wrestling match over the last Rubik’s Cube or Tickle Me Elmo doll (if it were still 1980 and 1996, respectively, that is).
Instead, visit the Sky Mall, the ubiquitous airline catalog that could conceivably allow you to finish shopping before the captain turns off the fasten seat belt sign. If you don’t splurge for the extra 2 centimeters of legroom, you’ll even have that much more money to spend (although a little less room to think as the reclined seat in front of you grazes the temporal lobe of your brain).
Never have people with a need for orthotic shoes cleverly disguised as loafers had such an ample collection from which to choose. The Sky Mall catalog could also quite possibly be the world’s greatest resource for people with a passion for engaging in espionage (pages 39, 56, 57, 61, 70, 116C, 116E), a keen interest in conducting spot checks for cardiac arrhythmias on the golf course (page 68), and a zeal for gadgets that have 11 patent-pending functions wrapped into one, especially if those 11 functions are necessarily related to baking, arthritis, gardening, Thomas Kinkade, interactive alarm clocks, sports memorabilia, hair loss, remote controlled tarantulas, life-size arcade games, canine genealogy kits and the Star Wars film series (pages 1-231).
Placental mammal-philes hit the jackpot on page 178 of the Holiday 2010 issue with the “Tex the Armadillo” Beverage Holder. For just $19.95 (or $29.95 for a set of two) you can tell family and friends you respect their fondness for leathery armor shells, roadkill and drinking beer out of a can simultaneously.
If someone in your life is constantly struggling to fit everything into the meager 8,760 hours available in each year, there’s the LiteLocker (page 51), which is an all-in-one, stow-and-display unit for Christmas lights that opens to show them for two weeks and closes to hide them for the other 50. Lights, light strings and an explanation for everyone else who simply takes down their lights after the holidays not included.
Know someone with a burning desire to tune that guitar they don’t know how to play, and never even try? You’re in luck! Turn to page 55 for the TunerMatic Automatic Guitar Tuner, which works with any pickup-equipped six-string and wannabe hippie stoner who just wants to look cool without actually making any kind of effort.
A 15-point head spa massager, massage boots, foot and calf massager, neck and shoulder relaxer, portable leg massager, back and neck vitalizer, temple and eye massager, and handheld massager are all available to soothe the aches and pains in your life that can’t be relieved by a hot bath, glass of wine or a bong hit provided by the aforementioned stoner.
Do you know a special someone with zero inclination to go outside, or who believes that vitamin D and fresh air are a scam? Pair the Tranquil Sounds Oxygen Bar (that allows you to breathe 30 percent enriched oxygen from a headset while also listening to soothing music) and the Sunlight 365 (which replicates the benefits of sunlight indoors) and you’re giving the gift that lets them be a shut-in with some flair (if not dignity).
Have you long suspected those shysters at the banks are secretly stealing from your account, and think under the mattress or in the wallet is a more appropriate place to stash your cash? Fleece gloves with a pocket wallet, a belt buckle with a hidden wallet, double-sided money clip (in stainless steel or leather), razor wallet, aluminum wallet equipped with effective radio frequency protection in an elegant Euro design, front pocket wallet, women’s stainless steel wallet, and a money clip with a patented design clamp that holds cash and credit cards in place are all available to show the bank you have no interest in their interest-bearing accounts.
There are also indoor and outdoor barking dog deterrents, a hide ‘n’ seek monkey, motion mimicking robotic pugilists, digital barbecue tongs, digital spoon scale and an electronic feng shui compass for your consideration as you shop for the people in your life for whom you so clearly care not a whit.
Whatever you decide, this season give the gifts that let them know they’re paranoid, lazy and quite possibly eligible for the TV show “Hoarders,” and that’s just fine with you because you were able to cross them off your list while taxiing to the gate.
More at meredithcarroll.com.
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