Meredith C. Carroll: Meredith Pro Tem |

Meredith C. Carroll: Meredith Pro Tem

Meredith C. Carroll
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO, Colorado

It’s hard to dispute that vodka can often take on a life of its own. Particularly if it’s your life and you’ve taken on a few Bloody Marys at Sunday brunch. Or a few martinis after work. Or even more cosmopolitans just because it’s, say, Tuesday.

Still, the people at one spirits manufacturer don’t trust that you actually know the kind of life you do – or should – lead if you drink vodka or want to drink vodka. That’s why they’re telling you. As in, they’re making it crystal clear exactly who you are or should be, or who they think you might want to be, if you plan on partaking in their hooch.

Little Black Dress Vodka is the name of a new brand of booze that is aimed squarely at women. Specifically, women who are still die-hard fans of “Sex and the City.” Never mind that “Sex and the City” hasn’t been on the air in eight years or that the movie’s sequel tanked at the box office or that the whole promiscuous single woman who clings desperately to her BFFs as they stumble out of the bar at closing time has been passe for the better part of the past decade. It was even over before “Sex and the City” went off the air. That’s why they all mostly ended up getting married.

Of course the vodka doesn’t actually mention “Sex and the City” on the bottle. That would be dumb. No, instead, each vodka flavor comes with a description. Not of the vodka but of the vodka’s personality. If the vodka were a person. And if that person were necessarily one of the characters on “Sex and the City.”

It comes in four varieties:

Blueberry Pomegranate (Carrie): “Charismatic. Chatty. Outgoing. The fearless leader.”

Black Cherry Vanilla (Samantha): “Savvy. Mischievous. Feisty charmer. Risque in a good way.”

Classic (Charlotte): “Sophisticated. Classy. Even-keeled. Up for anything.”

Pineapple Honey (Miranda): “Sassy. Flirty. Happy-go-lucky. The girl next door.”

It’s the first known case of the anthropomorphization of vodka, although it’s not the first time the liquor industry has attempted to reel in the gentler sex.

Skinnygirl Margaritas are enormously popular – not because they’re so good (you need to add a few shots of tequila per drink to make it really good, or so they say), but because they’re marketed simply and to the point: You can drink alcohol and not get fat. (Or at least if you get fat you won’t be able to blame it on the Skinnygirl Margarita unless you add a few shots of tequila per glass.)

And remember Animee beer from Molson Coors? It was the one described as a sparkling pink alcoholic beverage with lemony and rose flavors reminiscent of scented toilet paper. Yeah, don’t worry – no one else remembers it, either.

What makes Little Black Dress Vodka stand out, besides the character descriptions, is that it was “developed entirely by a team of savvy ladies.” Translation: The “fully female” team sat around in their panties, had a pillow fight, braided one another’s hair and created vodkas “they’d want to sip.” Just how every woman envisions spending her time. Oh, wait – that’s how every man envisions being a fly on the wall. Big difference.

What the Little Black Dress Vodka think tank failed to consider is that many women – or humans – don’t want to literally match their personalities with their adult beverages. Yes, certain types of people might drink Budweiser, and others might drink Johnny Walker Blue, but the manufacturers of those drinks don’t actually describe the personality of their clientele on their bottles. That would be really dumb. Everyone but the makers of Little Black Dress Vodka seems to get that.

When you break it down, Little Black Dress Vodka is actually meant for your vagina – or how out-of-touch marketers anthropomorphize your vagina, which is as something really dumb. It’s for when you’re too dumb to know that most flavored vodkas are created equal. It’s for when you’ve graduated from wine coolers but feel dumb ordering wine (which means you really actually might be quite dumb – when in doubt, just ask for a list of wines by the glass). It’s for when you’re dumb enough to think that the gender of the person who invented your drink really makes a difference.

It’s also an attempt to fill a nonexisting void, although if you’re so dumb that you think this vodka will actually fill some kind of emptiness in your life that other vodkas failed to do (and if that really is the case, there are recovery programs for people like you), then this might actually be the drink for you.

But please, don’t drive (before or after drinking the vodka).

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