Meredith C. Carroll: Meredith Pro Tem
At a time when it seems like civility and basic human decency have reached dangerously low levels, it’s heartwarming to know that there remain a few heroes among us.Take, for instance, a Louisiana lawmaker who has his eye on the prize. A parish commissioner in Louisiana, Michael Williams, claims the “moral fiber” of his community is “dwindling.” His remedy? Ban pajamas outside of the home.Caddo Parish, which includes Shreveport – infamous for having one of the highest crime rates in the country – is in grave danger, according to Williams. And he knows why.”It’s pajama pants today. Next it will be underwear tomorrow,” he said.Apparently Williams was out on a shopping excursion when he “observed a couple of young men in loose-fitting PJs on, probably with their private parts about to come out and no underwear.”He has since drafted an attorney to assist in the writing of an ordinance, which will be presented to a commission in Louisiana.Thank goodness the state has moved on from the atrocities of Hurricane Katrina; the devastation of the Gulf Oil spill; and the mortal embarrassment of KKK Grand Wizard David Duke, disgraced former Governor Edwin Edwards and hooker-loving televangelist Jimmy Swaggart and has time to focus on the real problems.Michael Williams will show those mothers who take their kids to the bus stop in their nightgowns and robes who’s boss. Not to mention the preschoolers who dare walk into school on Pajama Day in their, yup, pajamas. Hoodlums. And the majority of Wal-Mart’s clientele? Well, if they can’t switch out the flannel bottoms for jeans, forget them and their attempt to “live better.”Next up, Williams tackles the pressing issue of cats on leashes. Following that, he says he will begin his search for the real killer in the O.J. case. Speaking of inadvertent D-list celebrities from the 1990s, Newt Gingrich has emerged as a dark, well, horse in the race for the Republican campaign for the presidency. Despite the fact that Gingrich resigned as speaker of the House in 1999 following his own extramarital affair after leading the charge against President Clinton for his dalliances with White House intern Monica Lewinsky, somehow he has managed to take the lead in the Republican presidential primary.And no matter that his second wife dropped a bombshell last week that the former congressman asked her to engage in an open marriage so he could carry on with his mistress (now his third wife) without divorcing. In fact, Dr. Keith Ablow, from Fox News, asserts that it’s precisely because of Newt’s three marriages – and affairs – that he’s most worthy of being our next president. Just because he can’t keep it in his pants doesn’t mean he’d screw America, Ablow says (although not in those exact words). Not only that, but the good doctor says that Newt’s cheating ways are actually good for the country. Here’s how he sees it:1. Three whole women have actually said “I do” to the silver porker.2. Two women hopped into bed with him despite the ring on his finger.3. One of his wives saw so much in him that despite the fact that he was married when he met her, and despite the fact that he cheated on her, she still reserved enough hate to try and ruin his life (after all, the politically correct thing to do would be to feel indifference toward him).The biggest problem, according to Ablow, is how we’ll figure out how to elect Newt for a third term. And for that our country should be grateful. So, yes: Thank you, Newt, for being a philandering pig, er, horse. Thank you, thank you, thank you!And finally, while the Canyons School District in Utah hasn’t even opened yet, administrators already know which animal is out of the running as mascot: the cougar. Despite the fact that the majority of its future students voted in favor of the mountain lion, a school district spokesperson said they fear the animal could be seen as “offensive and derogatory” toward women.Few people know that the likes of Demi Moore, Madonna and Jennifer Lopez have grown stronger and more powerful than the second heaviest cat in the Western Hemisphere, which is known for its tremendous stalk-and-ambush predatory skills, and counts grizzly bears and wolves among its competition.”We heard from folks who were worried about the connotation of the word ‘cougar’ as it pertains to the current vernacular – in a derogatory manner,” Jennifer Toomer-Cook, a spokeswoman for the school district, told Fox News & Commentary.Yes, the Canyons School District is all too aware of quiet but tragic the epidemic in which 10th-grade hussies are preying on nubile lads in sixth grade. Also banned at the school are Puma sneakers. After all, just imagine the innuendoes that will follow when people start talking about a boy with his foot in a Puma. Never mind that Brigham Young University’s mascot is the cougar, along with a few other Utah schools. The rejection has nothing to do with originality (although that would have been a perfectly acceptable, and understandable, basis for rejection). No, references to sexually aggressive older women have no place in high school society. Particularly in Utah.That’s why school officials have settled on the “Chargers” as their new mascot instead. Which means, of course, that school officials haven’t seen the seventh meaning of the word, as defined by Urban Dictionary.More at http://www.meredithcarroll.com.
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