Meredith C. Carroll: Meredith Pro Tem
The Aspen Times
Aspen, CO Colorado
Time magazine has several contenders for its annual Person of the Year issue, including Timothy Geithner, Stanley McChrystal, Usain Bolt and Ben Bernanke. More forward-thinking publications, however, have all but declared 2009 as the Year of the Woman.
“Never has there been a time in which more remarkable women have distinguished themselves,” said famed women’s rights activist and Ms. magazine founder, Gloria Steinem. “I never thought I’d live to see the day.”
Leading the pack is Nadya Suleman. For her courageous decision to have 14 children via in-vitro fertilization without a job or partner, subjecting her family to intense public scrutiny and ridicule by spending money on video games, manicure and lattes while on public assistance programs, and announcing on “Good Morning America” last month that she’s open to having more children, she was named Bitch magazine’s Psycho Mom of the Year in the December issue.
“Nobody tells me what I can and can’t do with my lady parts,” Suleman huffed at the launch party for the issue.
The women of VH1’s reality shows, including “For the Love of Ray J,” “My Antonio,” “Real Chance of Love” and “Rock of Love,” have been recognized by PharmaWeek magazine as its Fame Whores of the Year.
“The pharmaceutical industry has rarely, if ever, had so many prime research subjects available in one location. From testing experimental herpes vaccines and methamphetamine withdrawal medications, drug companies hit the jackpot,” enthused editor-in-chief Ken Davies.
The CBS page program weekly newsletter named Stephanie Birkitt as its Page of the Year earlier this month.
CBS president and CEO Les Moonves boasted, “While the NBC page program counts Ted Koppel and Michael Eisner as alumni, we couldn’t be more gratified that one of our own made a name for herself by sleeping with the host of one of our most profitable and high profile shows, getting him to pay for her law school education, hire her as his personal lawyer, include her on intimate vacations with his wife and young son, all the while being savvy enough to write it down in her diary that she didn’t keep hidden from other boyfriends. Top that, [NBC page alumnus] Regis Philbin!”
Yesterday the American Bar Association Journal named Elin Nordegren its Client of the Year for her recent foray into the legal world. While her attorney is waist-deep in furious negotiations with husband Tiger Woods’ army of lawyers over the terms of their revised prenuptial agreement, Nordegren is said to have already pocketed an instant re-signing bonus of $5 million. Should she stand by her man at golf tournaments for the next two years while continuing to look pretty but remaining mute, she stands to receive an additional $55 million payout, according to reports.
“It’s about time our industry took a break from all the corporate bankruptcies we’ve been wading through this past year and started honing in on the long-overlooked cash cow of prenuptial agreements,” said ABA president Carolyn B. Lamm. “If we can only sign on a few more Elin Nordegrens, lawyers across the country might finally have the security of knowing they’ll definitely be able to retire early, and filthy rich. Boy, if Oprah ever marries Steadman, that would help us, like, a lot.”
Nordegren received another prize this morning when the International Au Pair Association named her its Babysitter of the Year.
“Blonde au pairs aren’t always as dumb as they look, which she proved on Thanksgiving night,” said IAPA chairperson Jack Hompes. “Her husband might be a professional golfer, but she’s got the ace in the hole. Elin is an inspiration to hot nannies everywhere.”
The National Enquirer awarded Tiger Woods’ mistresses their Other Women of the Year, just edging out Hailey Glassman, Rielle Hunter and Mackenzie Phillips.
“Thank you for saving what had otherwise been a dismal year in the tabloid industry,” gushed co-executive editor Julia Coates to Woods’ assortment of cocktail waitresses and hostesses at a Las Vegas party in their honor. “My sincere apologies to any of you who we neglected to mention to date, but I’m sure your names will surface on our pages in due time. Oh yeah – and we want to give a special shout out to our boy Tiger for making all this possible. Like the National Enquirer, he’s proof that a loyal fan base and zillions of dollars won’t necessarily buy you any class.”
Finally, Carrie Prejean was named by Mad magazine as its Joke of the Year. From being crowned Miss California and later being de-throned, engaging in a public battle with the pageant director about who should pay for her breast implants, yelping about conservative values and then slinking out of the spotlight following the discovery of nude photos and videos that she took of herself and sent to multiple boyfriends, Prejean was a unanimous choice.
“Because even we can’t make this stuff up,” explained Mad editor John Ficarra.
“I couldn’t be more cognizant of Carrie if I were her mother,” Steinem said, choking back tears.
Time magazine’s Person of the Year issue hits newsstands next week.
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