Love is in the stars, or maybe not

Janet Urquhart

If today is your birthday, indulge in the sweetness that is yours, and everyone else’s. Help yourself to everybody’s chocolates. Tonight: Reach for the Pepto.

Aries : Mercury is in retrograde and so is your relationship. Guys, show her you care. Remember, diamonds are a girl’s best friend; Viagra is yours. Tonight: Better turn on the charm, not the TV.

Taurus: A workplace flirtation blossoms into something more – a sexual harassment charge. Feign innocence and delete those incriminating e-mails before it’s too late. Tonight: Mandatory sensitivity training.

Gemini:Chances are, you’ll be cuddling with a soft, warm companion by the end of the day, assuming you stop by the local animal shelter. The new love of your life is far cuter than that last loser you brought home and doesn’t mind when you call him/her “snookie-wookums.” On the other hand, your ex didn’t chew on the furniture. Tonight: Wet kisses, plenty of tongue.

Cancer: Reach out for someone. Give in to temptation/desperation and dial the Livelinksr Chatline, but remember, women who look like the babes in the Livelinksr commercials don’t need to call a chatline for conversation. People like you do. Tonight: Opportunity knocks, or it’s the pizza delivery guy.

Leo:Smiles and laughter surround interactions. Make sure it’s a response to your keen wit, not a static cling situation on your backside. Tonight: You’re a lion in the boudoir. Hopefully, there’s someone else in there with you.

Virgo:Girls, the man of your dreams materializes when you least expect it, which is why you’re having a medusan hair day, getting a zit and wearing the jeans that make you look like you’re concealing a Volkswagen. Cupid flees and so does he. Tonight: A three-way – you, Ben and Jerry.

Libra: Good intentions can produce unexpected results. Don’t show up at your honey-bunny’s with a 12-pack of tall-boys instead of a dozen roses unless you want to drink them alone. Tonight: Commiserate with friends who know true love means never having to say you’re out of beer.

Scorpio: A loved one may pop the question: “Are you seeing someone else?” If you’re in a committed relationship, be open to an intriguing proposition from your sweetie-pie or hunk-a burnin’ love: Say “yes” to upgrading your cable package. Your affair is worth the premium channels. Tonight: “Moulin Rouge” on HBO.

Sagittarius:Things heat up with your new love interest over a romantic dinner. You respond favorably to an invitation up to his/her love nest, which, as it turns out, is lined with dirty laundry and cat hair. Next time: Head to your place.

Capricorn: Let others express their feelings, then make fun of them. Tonight: Just you and the Victoria’s Secret catalog.

Aquarius: A fling turns into true romance, but you may discover Mr. or Ms. Right is carrying some serious baggage. Fortunately, it’s Gucci. Unfortunately, the ex wants it back. If your new lover is worth fighting for, so is the luggage. Tonight: Pack light and plan an escape.

Pisces: Allow more pleasure into your work situation. Log onto porn sites as time allows. Your cubicle becomes a gathering place as popularity soars. Tonight: Unauthorized use of the printer.


Foodstuff: What are you doing for New Year’s Eve?

It’s almost time to ring in the new year and if your holiday schedule is shaping up to be as packed as mine, I wish you a well-deserved rest in 2024. In the meantime, it’s our chance to party, and party we shall.

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