Let’s play a little game of ‘Satan says’ … I mean, ‘Simon says’
September 8, 2002
[As a compromise, yoga classes will be allowed in the Aspen Elementary School ? but only if the parents are able to attend.]
TEACHER: Good morning children ? and parents ? and welcome to our first day of yoga. Now, let’s all begin by standing up straight, arms hanging gently by your side, close your eyes, and take …
REVEREND JERKINS: My daughter is not closing her eyes unless it is to pray to her Lord Jesus! You will not foist your religious mumbo jumbo on her! Susie, you leave your eyes open.
TEACHER: That’s fine. You can leave your eyes open. The point is to relax. Let’s just take a few slow, deep breaths. In … and out. Good. In … and out.
MR. WILKINSON: Excuse me, but don’t you think all this deep inhaling is just a gateway activity for marijuana use? Timmy, I don’t want you inhaling deeply. I want you taking short, shallow, nervous breaths, like me and Mommy.
TIMMY: But Daddy, it feels kinda good. I feel all, you know, relaxed.
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MR. WILKINSON: That’s it! You’re coming with me, young man. If this keeps up you’ll be wearing a turban and playing a flute for a basket full of cobras. And as for you, Miss Swami, you should go back to whatever heathen land you hail from and leave our God-fearing kids alone!
TEACHER: I’m from Carbondale, sir. Enjoy your heart attack. Now then, class, let’s do some spine stretching.
REVEREND JERKINS: Did you just say “Satan”?
TEACHER: No, sir, I said “spine stretching.”
REVEREND JERKINS: Well, it sounded like you said “Satan.”
TEACHER: “Spine. Stretching.”
REVEREND JERKINS: Susie?
SUSIE: She said “spine stretching,” Daddy.
REVEREND JERKINS: OK. But I’m watching you. Freak.
TEACHER: Everyone raise your hands above your heads, palms together, and let’s start by leaning gently to the left.
REVEREND JERKINS: Ow.
MRS. BUFORD: I knew it! I knew this was a bunch of left-leaning garbage. Jenny, grab your stupid little liberal rubber mat and let’s go. We’ve had enough of this.
TEACHER: Nice work, everyone. Now remember to keep breathing deeply ? unless it in some way compromises your moral beliefs or threatens your obviously tenuous relationship with your God. Now then, let’s all lean gently to the right.
REVEREND JERKINS: Ow.
TEACHER: And now back to center. Very nice. You’re all loosening up.
REVEREND JERKINS: Did you just say “Lucifer.”
TEACHER: “Loosening up.”
REVEREND JERKINS: Hmmm …
TEACHER: Next, let’s all kneel on our mats so we …
REVEREND JERKINS: My little Susie does not kneel unless it is to pray to her Lord Jesus!
TEACHER: Good point. Instead of kneeling, lets all sit on our mats with our knees under us.
REVEREND JERKINS: Ow.
TEACHER: This posture we’re going to do is called the Downward Facing Dog.
MISCELLANEOUS PARENTS: Gasp!! What the … !? Oh, dear! Etc!
TEACHER: Shoulda figured. On second thought, let’s do the Camel Posture.
REVEREND JERKINS: Like the sinful camel that attempts to pass through the eye of the needle? Not likely.
TEACHER: How about the Locust Posture?
REVEREND JERKINS: Nope. No plagues for little Susie.
TEACHER: Fish Posture?
REVEREND JERKINS: Did you just say “Beelzebub?”
TEACHER: No, I said “Fish Posture.”
REVEREND JERKINS: Oh. Like loaves and fishes, the food of our Savior? No can do.
TEACHER: Lion Posture?
REVEREND JERKINS: I don’t need to remind you how Christians feel about lions.
TEACHER: Ummmm …
REVEREND JERKINS: She’s chanting! She’s possessed! Out! Out, Jezebel! Susie, stop that deep breathing and plug your ears!
TEACHER: I’m not chanting, I’m just thinking. How about the Serpent Posture?
REVEREND JERKINS: What do you think?
TEACHER: Jesus Christ!
REVEREND JERKINS: Is that a posture?
TEACHER: No, that was an outburst brought on by the realization that I live in freakin’ Kansas! I know, how about if everyone just takes some Ritalin and returns to their desks?
REVEREND JERKINS: Amen.
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