Let’s not cry over spilled milk | AspenTimes.com

Let’s not cry over spilled milk

Barry Smith
Aspen, CO Colorado

We all know that when pre­sented with a glass contain­ing 50 percent milk, the opti­mist sees it as half full, while the pessimist sees it as half empty.

But how, we must all won­der, do others see it?

Others that, like the opti­mist and pessimist, also end in “ist?”

PRAGMATIST ” Should­n’t the milk be in some sort of thermos so it stays cold? That makes so much more sense.

NARCISSIST ” I can almost see my reflection in that milk.

COMPLETIST ” The milk isn’t in one of those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Burger King com­memorative glasses, is it? Because I’m missing a Michelangelo.

RACIST ” As long as it ain’t chocolate milk, I don’t really care.

PHLEBOTOMIST ” I don’t really know how a phlebotomist would address this milk/glass issue. I only include it because I once wrote a col­umn where I used the word “phle­botomist,” which is someone who draws blood, when I meant to use the word “phrenologist,” which is some­one who determines personality traits by feeling the bumps on your head. I do know the difference, I swear, it was just one of those mental slip-ups that I didn’t catch until it was too late.

We’ve all had those, right? Well, someone wrote to me and pointed out my mistake in an incredibly unkind way. I pondered writing back to this person and volunteering to demon­strate my knowledge of these two sep­arate and distinct practices by person­ally creating bumps on their head until blood was drawn, but decided that would be immature, petty and proba­bly illegal. Besides, the person may very well have been bigger than me.

And wearing a helmet. SOLIPSIST ” I am all that exists, therefore the milk in the glass must exist just for me.

EGOTIST ” Uh, I was going to say the same thing that the solipsist just said. I guess I was just assuming we’d be going in alphabetical order.

ELVIS ” I’d love to weigh in on this one, ’cause I loves me some milk, but my name doesn’t quite end in “ist.” It’s close, and I can see where you’d really like to make it work, but people will notice. Thank you very much.

EVANGELIST ” And lo, the Lord did giveth the milk unto the people, so that they may nurture their bodies and bones in service to the Almighty God.

All except for the homos. Amen.

ANTI-ABORTIONIST ” Dump out the milk, fill the glass with fake blood, and let’s head to the clinic.

ARSONIST ” Burn the milk! I know that’s not particularly insightful or surprising, but what do you want?

I’m an arsonist. It’s what I do.

SATANIST ” Boy, I sure do like Satan. Oh look, some milk. In a glass.


ILLUSIONIST ” Nothing up my sleeve … and what’s this behind your ear? Half a glass of milk? Amazing.

CONSTITUTIONALIST ” In keeping with the second amendment, you can have my glass of milk when you pry my cold, dead, calcium-rich fingers from it.

TERRORIST ” We shall topple the imperialist American system by destroying their dairy infrastructure with our suicide bombers.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST ” The Dairy Bombings were an inside job, perpetrated against us by our own government. Seriously. I saw the video on YouTube.

ESCAPIST ” The Dairy Bomb­ings may have been an inside job, and I know I should be doing something about it, writing letters to the editor or something, but I’d rather be on a beach in Mexico with a bartender bringing me half glasses of coconut milk all day.

SATANIST ” You did me already.

SOMNAMBULIST ” Milk makes me walk around at night while I’m still sleeping. Because “somnambu-l­ist” means “sleepwalker.”

COLUMNIST ” I don’t know … the whole “ist” thing just seemed SO clever when I first thought of it.

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