Jesus couch, weird ducks and stress

Barry SmithAspen, CO Colorado

Here’s what a traditional wrong number sounds like:”Hello?””Is Jim there?””I think you have the wrong number.””Is this 555-1212?””No, it’s 555-2121.””Oh, sorry.”-CLICK-And that’s all you get to know about this caller and their needs – this caller is trying to call Jim, and this caller is somewhat dyslexic.I’ve been maintaining a web log for a year now, mostly recording fascinating personal details about me, with pictures. The maintenance side of this blog has a feature that lets me know how people found my site. For instance, if someone Googles “weird ducks,” and my blog comes up as one of the results, and they click on it, then “weird ducks” shows up on my “searches” list. I save some of the more interesting searches. To me they’re like wrong numbers, only ones that offer a bit more insight into the person doing the searching than a mere transposed digit. “Weird ducks” is not a hypothetical example. Someone actually Googled these words and found me. I know why, because at one point I posted a really old picture of ducks, and in that same entry I used the word “weird,” though not in reference to the ducks, which were quite normal. And what would constitute a weird duck, anyway? Sure, I can think of a few things, but why would someone think about it to the point of doing an Internet search for it? And how disappointed would they be upon finding my picture of run-of-the-mill ducks?So many questions. For me at least. What follows are real, live, actual words that people typed into their Internet search engine of choice and landed on my blog as a result. “Bible verse for control freak” – This had to have been in reference to some boss or something, right? Surely the seeker wasn’t looking to quell their own control freak nature. Although controlling one’s own control-freakness does follow a certain logic. Either way, they found nothing helpful on my blog, just me mocking a book called “The Humor of Christ.” “Jesus couch” – Most of the Jesus and religion-related “wrong numbers” that lead people to my site are explainable. There was a pretty famous doomsday preacher in New Zealand, only recently deceased, named Barry Smith. Since I consistently blog about my “Jesus In Montana” comedy show, I get lots of hits from people searching for Jesus, religion, and that other Barry. So, “barry smith jesus,” “barry smith revelations,” “barry smith warning review,” “sodomy+solo+pictures,” these all make sense to me. But “jesus couch?” This has me permanently baffled. I only hope my blog gave them the guidance and direction that they sought. “ME HAVING ANXIETY ATTACKS MAY I HAVE DECA” – Yes, that search cuts off at the end, so I’m not sure what “deca-” was supposed to be. I imagine that it was more than the last word that was cut off, as typing while having an anxiety attack can result in some serious all caps rambling. This is a bad wrong number, as my blog contains nothing to ease anxiety. It’s like someone dialed the suicide hot line late at night and got me instead, and I’m tired and cranky. And drunk. “What happens if i burn my eyelash” – Seriously. These searches are all real. Even the “sodomy” one above. What’s weird about this one is that as a kid I burned both my eyelashes down to little charred nubs while trying to light an anthill doused with gasoline (it was Mississippi, and video games hadn’t been invented yet, so you had to make your own fun). But nowhere on my blog do I write about this! Kinda eerie, right? Had I been able to communicate with this person directly, I could have given them a firsthand answer to their question: They grow back … maybe. “Topless fat guys,” “tattooed feet,” “best way to get bc bud,” “clever hand wash signs,” “portapotty,” “Math Graffiti” – Sadly, these searches all make perfect sense to me, and the fact that they found valid references on my site means they can’t even really be considered wrong numbers. However, “barry smith leather” is just totally off base, and I hope the searcher realized that at once.Visit Barry’s blog at Or just do a search for “tweakers fresno.”