Janet Urquhart: ‘Twas the day after Christmas | AspenTimes.com

Janet Urquhart: ‘Twas the day after Christmas

‘Twas the day after Christmas

and all through the land,

malls opened early

to meet the demand.

From impatient shoppers,

their arms full of goods,

prepared to return

all that they could.

The prior day’s bingeing

on liquor and food,

left many a customer

in an unpleasant mood.

They stood in long lines

to buy just the right crap.

Now they were back

for discounted gift wrap.

Or something to placate

a child of three,

for Hokey-Pokey Elmo

wasn’t under the tree.

Back to the stores

went sweaters and jewels,

exchanged for a treasure “

the moolah, you fools.

Armed with receipts,

they returned DVDs

that weren’t quite a hit,

like the plasma TV.

And every Who down in Whoville,

the tall and the small,

was disappointed with Santa “

he was green, after all.

Somewhere in Aspen,

a post-holiday rift.

Is breast augmentation

a good Christmas gift?

He should have bought Prada,

Fendi or Dior.

He could have done what I did “

shopped Carl’s second floor.

The spirit of giving

and good will toward men

crushed in the madness

of Christmas again.

‘Tis the day after Christmas

and all through my house,

no one is angry,

perturbed or stressed out.

The day is a fine one,

Christmas joy lingers on.

But I will be returning

that leopard-print thong.

[Janet Urquhart makes her annual apology to Clement Clarke Moore. Her column appears on Friday]

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