Janet Urquhart: Queer Eye for the Aspenite | AspenTimes.com

Janet Urquhart: Queer Eye for the Aspenite

It’s time the Fab Five from “Queer Eye” hit the road.

There may well be an unlimited supply of straight guys sporting unabrows in the greater New York City area, but the Fab Five are ready for a bigger challenge.

I want to go from drab to fab.

I’m going to write in and suggest they come out to Aspen and remake me, though there’s one troubling hitch (well, two, if you count the fact that I’m not the Straight Guy). The dramatic conclusion, in which I impress my significant other with the new me, might be a little anticlimactic. This would be because there is no significant other.

Maybe the twist is I attend a holiday party at a Red Mountain mansion. Can they turn me into the diva who infiltrates the unsuspecting upper crust or will a faux pas at the raw bar (slurping oysters straight off the half shell) blow my cover?

C’mon, think of the ratings when the TV audience spots the strap of my sports bar peaking out from beneath a Prada gown. Fashion guy Carson would blow a gasket. Of course, he’d still be reeling from the wardrobe he finds in my closet, right before he throws everything I own away.

It would be worth it just to watch him yank one of my flannel shirts off a hangar, dangle it at arm’s length and declare: “Girl, do you have bad credit or just bad taste?”

For those of you who happen to be living under a rock or don’t have cable TV, “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” is a Tuesday night highlight.

Every week, five gay guys promote stereotypes and good taste, showing some hapless, style-challenged hetero the value of good grooming and a mold-free shower curtain. The show implies that the entire transformation, including redecorating the guy’s apartment, takes place in a day. Yeah, right.

The show concludes with a romantic date in which Straight Guy unveils his new look to his agog girlfriend, who is always mightily impressed. Why she was dating him before he got rid of the carpet of hair on his back is anyone’s guess.

The Fab Five sip martinis and watch the reaction to their handiwork unfold on TV, along with everyone else.

Anyway, I think the Queer Eye quintet would find sufficient material to mock me, not to mention my apartment, which is decorated in kind of a minimalist (i.e., sparse), eclectic (i.e., garage sale) motif.

Whatever, just so long as Thom, the guy with the eye for interior design, repaints the place and redecorates it with all new stuff.

The grooming guy will be having fits about my bottle of grocery store hair “product” while the food/wine guy lectures me on the evils of canned salmon.

Jai, the culture guy, will have the toughest job of all. He’s the one who has to teach the rhythmically challenged how to dance.

[Janet Urquhart wants to be stylish, but only if she can do it in jeans. Her column appears on Fridays]

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