Janet Urquhart: Look who?s suddenly history
Two years ago this month, I wrote a column titled ?Look who?s suddenly gaga.? It was me.Things have changed.Breaking up is hard to do, especially if you?re the dumpee (that would be me) as opposed to the dumper. As the now-insignificant other, whose heart has just been drop-kicked into the nearest wastebasket, I?ve endured a crash course in the phraseology of relationship termination. I have analyzed all the classic lines. This will come in handy if I ever get a chance to use them instead of hear them.In the meantime, I’ll just share them. Allow me to translate the universal language of the breakup.For instance, when your love interest announces, ?We have to talk,? you can bet it?s not about the weather.On the other hand, you may not have to talk at all. You may be the recipient of the proverbial ?Dear John? letter ? or, in the impersonal convenience of the 21st century, the ?Dear John? e-mail. In either case, this missive is probably rife with clues, both about why you?re history and what happens next. For example:?It?s not you, it?s me.? Translation: It?s you. This means your ex-honey doesn?t like your: Face, hair loss, dog, attire, financial prospects, mother, friends, checkered past, infidelities, snoring, decorating tastes, binge drinking, abstinence, waistline, preoccupation with golf, needy personality, fear of commitment or any of a host of other character or physical flaws (both real and perceived).?It?s for the best.? Translation: It?s for the best for me. You?ll be sitting home eating nightly pints of Ben and Jerry?s and renting ?The Way We Were.??I?m setting you free.? Translation: I’m free, free, free at last!?There?s no one else.? Translation: A) There?s someone else, or; B) I?ve gotta get you out of the picture first before I have a chance with him/her.?I hope we can still be friends.? Translation: Knowing you might still come in handy (e.g. your condo in Aspen).?You should hang out with your friends.? Translation: Stay away from mine.?I?m really sorry. I never meant to hurt you.? Translation: Better you than me.?I?ll call you.? Translation: I won?t call you.?You can call me up to talk anytime.? Translation: A) I’m changing my number, or; B) I’ll be screening my calls, and don?t try to reach me when you’re lonely and blue on Saturday night. I’ll be out.?Maybe we can get together for a drink.? Translation: I?m willing to face you one last time to get my house key back.?I?ll always remember you.? Translation: I’m keeping that CD player you loaned me, so there will always be something there to remind me.?I?ll see you around.? Translation: If our paths happen to cross, I?m going to pretend I don’t know you.?You deserve better.? Translation: I deserve better. (Actually, given sufficient time or a significant quantity of tequila in the company of a sympathetic friend, you will realize you do deserve better, while your ex deserves gingivitis.)?You?ll be OK.? Translation: I feel better already.?You?re a wonderful person.? Translation: This defies translation. Obviously, you?re not that great, or you wouldn?t be getting dumped.[Janet Urquhart is feeling a little bitter these days. Her column appears on Fridays.]
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