Janet Urquhart: Hmm, septic or self-improvement? | AspenTimes.com

Janet Urquhart: Hmm, septic or self-improvement?

Coming up with New Year’s resolutions and the means to keep them is no problem, thanks to the miracle of e-mail.The options to improve my life, my income, even certain physical endowments, are endless, judging from the e-mail I receive on a nightly basis.It’s as though little elves are at work in the night, forwarding me an assortment of enticing offers. Reading through these provocatively titled messages each morning, I’ve reached a startling conclusion: The single biggest concern facing most Americans involves their septic tank. Or, as one e-mail intriguingly phrased it: s.e.p.t.i.c. t.a.n.k. Write it that way and it looks like a matter of national security. Each day, I wade through offers to enlarge my breasts and reduce my mortgage. Hmmm.Exclusive access: The nude Hollywood!Cheap Viagra!Ways to increase my $$$$$ potential! Now you’re talking.Why, in just the past week, I’ve been invited to earn $139,000 a year as a day trader, reap the benefits of an offshore bank account and create my own PAYCHECK from home. Having just seen the movie, “Catch Me If You Can,” I’m thinking the latter option holds real potential.Another e-mail tauntingly asks: How’s your job working out? Should I decide it’s not working out all that well, it’s good to know I have options. I can be a mail-order bride. Heck, I can have a mail-order bride.Or other things, like More Powerful Manhood or a Humor Epiphany.I’m also fielding offers to increase my, ahem, by 3 inches in 22 days. I guess I should forward that one to the guys I know. By this time next year, they could be tucking it in their sock.Because, as another e-mail informed me, All Women Want Large ?, and left it at that. What! What?I’m not sure if the offer I keep receiving titled, “It’s like a 4 feet antenna” falls into this genre or not.Then there’s the repeat e-mail advising me to “Cut it in half.”Frankly, I’m more interested in my options for dropping a few pounds. OK, make that a lot of them.I can lose 32 pounds by February, according to one tempting offer. More enticing, though, was the Lose Weight While You Sleep offer, or the Eat Pizza and Lose Weight program. Interesting. Eating pizza has never had that effect on me before.I also received an offer for “Reduced Weight Loss Products.” Apparently, they’re so effective, the products themselves are reducing.While I’m at it, I might as well pursue the offer to Remove Wrinkles and Cellulite.Not only that, but, I, too, can have Beautiful Hair.These unseen e-mail solicitors seem to be working in collusion, or in direct competition. How else can you explain why an offer for Pandora’s lingerie follows someone else’s pitch to eliminate my cellulite?Or, I’ll get an e-mail suggesting: One Call May Change Your Life, immediately followed by an entry titled, Stop Harassing Phone Calls.I know I’m not supposed to open all this junk e-mail, given the potential spread of a cyberspace virus, but some of them are certainly tempting. Often, the sender tries to trick me into thinking the message is a personal note from someone I know. I receive e-mails with titles like: Do you remember me? and Can I borrow your car? Or, how about: I have a secret, someone likes you.A co-worker forwarded to me an e-mail he received: Date A Lonely Housewife Tonight! I suggested he check it out. Being married, he resisted. I advised him to make sure his wife’s not on the list of bored women in all 50 states seeking “hot, discreet affairs.”Personally, I’m busy ordering padding for my cell in response to a special offer in case the promise of Mental Stability Without Medication doesn’t pan out.[Janet Urquhart suspects the code phrase for Russian bride is “Kiev chicken.” Her c.o.l.u.m.n. appears on Fridays.]

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