Janet Urquhart: Dress all in brown, say you’re a ski slope
When I was a kid, this was just about the most anticipated evening of the year, second only, perhaps, to Christmas Eve. I wore my costume around the house for a couple of weeks before the big night, when it was invariably cold enough that Mom would make me cover it up with a jacket.
This was before I got a little older, when my brother and I and our friends got wise and dressed as a gang of robbers to go trick-or-treating. With this ensemble, we could wear jackets, caps, face masks and gloves. I had a bag for the loot/candy in one hand and a toy gun in the other.
Brandish those plastic pistols now and the cops would probably have us pinned to the pavement and cuffed at gunpoint. Hmmm, it might be more fun to go as a cop.
If you’re like me, you’ll start thinking about what you might wear tonight sometime today. Actually, if you’re like me, you’ll never stay awake long enough to go out on the town. I’m going as the weapons of mass destruction. That’s right, I won’t be there.
If you’ve failed to come up with some elaborate get-up for tonight’s festivities, don’t despair. Those psuedo-clever costumes that clearly require planning and preparation are for nerds. The truly clever costume is subtle and entails very little work.
Example: Dress all in black. Say you’re the mayor. If you’re the mayor, dress in another color and go as someone else.
Dress all in brown. Say you’re a ski slope.
Slap a “For Rent” sign on your chest and go as a vacant storefront.
Was it last year that I saw Charlie Tarver dressed as a pirate? This, of course, gave everyone a chuckle, given his trademark eye patch. If you’re in a pinch tonight, put on an eye patch and go as Charlie. (To really authenticate the costume, wear a ski sweater, shorts and clogs with no socks, no matter how cold it is.)
Or, wear a bright yellow shirt, orange shorts and white long underwear. You’re candy corn!
Going as the Great Pumpkin is always an option, unless you have a fat head. You need a really big pumpkin, which you carve after emptying the guts from the bottom instead of the top. Then you put it on your head. For some reason, a suit and tie (or tux) really completes this outfit, but it’s optional. The real key is to make sure you can see well out of your pumpkin head, lest you get home with the chick or guy you pick up and discover that’s not a mask they’re wearing. Ug.
Topical costumes are always good. Five well-groomed guys who are secure in their masculinity can go as the Fab Five from Queer Eye and hand out fashion/hair care tips.
Speaking of tips, resist the urge to go as Kobe. Blackface is out of fashion.
[Janet Urquhart is loaning her oven mitts for someone else’s costume creation. Her column appears on Fridays]
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