Janet Urquhart: An invite to a Botox bash
Have you heard about the latest party drug? It’s Botox.
Now you can have a Botox bash. Get all your friends together for shots of tequila and toxin. Many Cuervo-inspired rounds later, everybody is laugh line-free.
Think Tupperwarer party, but with a wrinkle: It’s about keeping your face fresh, not your food. Either way, it’s all about preserving the leftovers, the way I see it.
Apparently, Denver-based Mobiletox makes house calls. They’ll even come up on short notice for a “Botox emergency.” (“Hello, Mobiletox? I could pinch a pencil in the grooves between my eyebrows and I’m appearing in public tonight. Can you come right over?”)
Mobiletox will rush to your house in an unmarked car, or an SUV cloaked in a plain brown wrapper, I can’t remember which.
The service also does parties. I’m thinking about hosting one, just to be hip. Of course, anyone who still says “hip” isn’t.
No need to furrow my brow fretting over the hors d’oeuvres selection for my soiree. The kind of women who’d voluntarily have their faces injected with a muscle-freezing toxin are undoubtedly on perennial diets, as well. I’ll just set out a few lettuce leaves for the guests to lick.
This is what partying in aging Aspen has come to. People who used to “do lines” at parties can now undo their lines. The new drug of choice is derived from clostridium botulinum bacteria – the nasty bugger that secretes botulin, which you don’t want in your dinner unless your weight-loss plan hinges on an acute case of food poisoning and possible paralysis.
I’m having a little trouble putting together the guest list for my party, though. Half of my friends are too young for crow’s feet and the other half don’t care if they have ’em (this would include the guys I know, who, by the way, never ask if the jeans they’re wearing make their butt look big.)
Then there’s the third half, thanks to my mathematical shortcomings: those who might be tempted to shoot up with youth serum, but only surreptitiously. Actually, I fall into this category. What’s the point of looking great if everyone knows the secret to the suddenly younger you?
That tears it. Everyone at the Botox party will have to take a vow of silence.
I was still addressing the invitations when I heard from a highly reputable source – a cable TV infomercial – that Botox is out and that old standby, collagen injections, is in.
What to do? The quandary is deepening my worry lines.
Maybe I’ll just stick with my usual strategy – let my fat fill in my wrinkles.
Janet Urquhart is actually more afraid of needles than wrinkles. Her column appears on Fridays.
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Columnist Paul Andersen continues to hope that the moral arc of the universe trends toward justice.