It’s all in a dog’s day’s work
One of my dogs left her day-planner out. I couldn’t resist a glimpse.6:10 a.m. Stand up, make three circles on floor, collapse with a grunt.6:22 a.m. Stand up, place chin on edge of bed, watch humans for signs of consciousness. Wag tale slightly and make soft ape-like noise. Arch one eyebrow and then the other. Wag tail more vigorously. Try to make it slap against wall.6:30 a.m. Dash out back door and bark, just in case there’s something out there in the dark. Detect breeze. Bark at it. Pee. Sniff. Poop.6:31 a.m. Return to back stoop and bark. Nose out the other family dog and squeeze into open door first. Let human wipe three of my feet then bolt for the kitchen, leaving a trail of wet prints with that last paw. Look smug.7 a.m. Wolf down breakfast with as little chewing as possible. Try to make it look like I’m within a whisker’s-breadth of starvation.7:02 a.m. Continue to lick empty bowl for nonexistent kibble residue.7:03-8 a.m. Stay under humans’ feet constantly, especially in the bathroom. They love that.8:01 a.m. Go back outside, but refuse to leave back stoop to perform post-breakfast duty. Bark.8:05 a.m. Try to look abused/desperate/cute and wedge myself in the front doorway so I don’t get left behind. Get left behind.8:06 a.m. Make three circles next to the coffee table and plop down for a nap.10:06 a.m. Sit up. Bark. Resume nap.12:22 p.m. Lick myself.12:26 p.m. Stroll into kitchen. Examine bowl for essence of kibble. Stand at back door and regret decision of 8:01 a.m.12:30 p.m. Head for bedroom in search of mischief. Enlist help of the household’s other dog. Find door shut. 12:31 p.m. Empty contents of waste basket behind the dryer onto floor. Sniff them. Pass up chance to roll around on dryer sheets, as they smell like perfume and not a dead carcass.12:36 p.m. Return to kitchen. Sniff food bowl. Give it a perfunctory lick. Lap water bowl, taking care to drool the final gulp across the floor. Check kitchen counters to see if loaf of bread or other edibles were inadvertently left within reach. Pull down pair of gloves instead.12:37 p.m. Grab glove in mouth and shake it like a small mammal. Slobber on it, then chew the little cord attached to it.12:40 p.m. Lick ears of companion dog. 12:41 p.m. Lick myself.12:45 p.m. Jump up on sofa. Jump back down because humans have left that annoying devise on it that emits a high-pitched beep when it’s disturbed.12:46 p.m. Pace.12:50 p.m. Make three circles next to easy chair and plop down for a nap.3:22 p.m. Awake with a start and yip. Bark at ringing phone. Bark at voice message. Cock head at ensuing silence. Grunt. Rub up against easy chair until shedding subsides. Return to nap.4:29 p.m. Bark at sound of vehicle in driveway. Trot to front door and wriggle entire body. Try to nose other dog out of picture. Get nose bonked by opening door. Exude joy.4:32 p.m. Prance at back door until it opens. Ahhhh.4:44 p.m. Make nuisance of self until human reaches for leashes.5:45 p.m. Make nuisance of self until dinnertime.7:30 p.m Make three circles next to coffee table and plop down for a nap until bedtime.Janet Urquhart wants to install a video camera so she can see what else goes on while she’s not at home. Her e-mail address is firstname.lastname@example.org
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