‘Irrelativity’ predictions for 2008 | AspenTimes.com

‘Irrelativity’ predictions for 2008

Barry Smith
Aspen, CO Colorado

One of Nostradamus’s most famous predictions is that of the rise of Hitler ” 400 years before it happened! Nostradamus warned of a “child of Germany” who would “observe no law” and “raise up a hatred that had long been dormant.” This man, according to the prediction, would be named “Hister.”

OK, so he missed “Hitler” by one letter. So what? It’s still enough to make even the most skeptical take note.

Those of you who’ve followed Irrelativity for a while know that my annual predictions column is traditionally Nostradamus-like in its uncanny accuracy. For example, many years ago I successfully predicted the rise of the personal computer. Sure, back then I referred to it as a “Qumputer,” but still ” that’s only one or two letters off.

And what about my calling of the 2000 presidential election? “Husb.” Got all four letters right, just in a slightly different order. Big deal. In the 2004 election, I predicted the winner to be “Subh.” Again, correct letters, wrong order ” uncanny!

AND, how could one forget my prediction of the SUV that runs on toast? Pretty impressive bit of soothsaying, wouldn’t you say?

“But,” you protest. “That hasn’t happened.”

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To which I reply: “Yeq!”

Sorry ” “Yet.” I meant to say “yet.”

– The expression “lol,” the overused e-mail shorthand for “laughing out loud,” will find its way into the spoken language. It will, in fact, quickly replace the act of actually laughing out loud. By September ’08, if you see someone slip on a banana peel, you’ll calmly say, “El oh el,” and go on about your day.

Similarly, e-mail “emoticons” will invade conversation. In the same way that humans currently use their fingers to make quotation marks in the air, soon we’ll engage in various forms of contortion in order to approximate the symbol for “smiling.”

🙂 This will eventually replace the act of smiling, winking, rolling eyes, etc. … Because of the physical difficulty in recreating these symbols, expect a rise in the chiropractic industry.

– In an effort to avoid being typecast as a joyless doomsayer, Al Gore will star in his second film, a screwball comedy called, “Whoopsie! Got Your Nose!” Reviews will not be good. He’ll follow it up with a hastily thrown together documentary, “If You’re Not Pointing Out That Someone You Know Isn’t Part of the Solution, Then You’re Part of the Problem.” A second Oscar will follow.

– Sarcasm will be the new enthusiasm. Soon after, enthusiasm will be the new sarcasm. This will happen so quickly that some people won’t even notice.

– The makers of Aunt Jemima syrup will introduce Aunt Je-Pantomim-a, a product designed for people who like to ask for their breakfast sweeteners to be passed to them by playing an elaborate game of charades.

– Laws will be enacted allowing the Transportation Security Administration to perform on-site exploratory surgery, including amputation, decapitation and autopsy, on airline travelers who “feel” suspicious. The public reaction will be one of, “Well, as long as it keeps us safe.”

– Brave pioneers will continue to explore the thrilling comedic boundaries of the T-shirt message that ends in “… and all I got was this lousy T-shirt,” despite the fact that the premise officially stopped being funny exactly 23 years ago.

– The first “Chip Away” operation will open in the Midwest. This service allows you to call an 800 number and have someone come to your home and physically wrest a bag of chips from your hand, seal it with a clothespin and put it on top of the refrigerator, way toward the back, where you can’t see it.

– At some point during the coming year YOU will be the one whose cell phone rings at an inappropriate time ” theater, film, briss, etc … ” despite how much you hate it when other people do this and wonder aloud how anyone could be so inconsiderate. Also, your ringtone will be “Funkytown.”

– NOT calling something the new something else will be the new calling something the new something else. Thank God.

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