How to Aspen? If you have to ask… | AspenTimes.com

How to Aspen? If you have to ask…

Janet Urquhart

So, I hear the Aspen Chamber Resort Association is asking local residents to share tips that will help visitors “get into the swing of Aspen life.”Get yourself two jobs and space on a living-room floor, is my initial reaction, but that’s probably not exactly what the folks at the chamber have in mind.Apparently, the ACRA plans to compile a booklet of tips – factoids, the inside scoop, etc. – which they have tentatively (and in my opinion, questionably) titled “How to Aspen – the Spirit of Guest Service.” It should be titled “How to look like an Aspenite (You Know You Want To).”As a former Aspenite who has been reduced to pretending I’m the real deal, I’m full of good advice on how to look and act like a local in the know. Or else I’m just full of it, but that, too, is an Aspen trait.While I’m of the firm belief that some things are best learned by doing, rather than consulting a booklet, far be it from me to withhold my valuable insights from the ACRA. I’ve compiled a few tips on getting into the swing of Aspen life, or at least looking like you have:• Don’t order a Straight Shot at the bar. It’s not a drink.• Learn to tele.• Don’t pay to park on Sundays.• Ask about the day-old selection at Paradise Bakery – those items are hidden away, but they’re half-price.• Slip into the Main Street Bakery & Cafe after 3 p.m. – that’s when the pastries are two-for-one.• The parking alongside City Market is free. Good luck getting a space.• Rubey Park is a bus station, not a park.• Tourtelotte Park is a blue run, not a park.• Aspen Mountain is on the south side of town, even though it’s on the top of the map.• If you want friendly service, try being polite to your server.• Don’t leave a gondola car unfilled when there’s a line of people waiting to board.• The one-piece is not considered stylish, no matter how much you paid for it.• Call it the In & Out House; everyone else still does.• Cross Main Street at the signalized intersections.• Speak softly. Your cell-phone conversations aren’t worth overhearing.• Don’t check the grooming report on a powder day.• It’s pronounced “hi-rups,” not “here-rups.”• Fifteen feet. You can smoke if you’re that far outside the bar door.• There’s never a wait for a table at Ruthie’s.• The Woody Creek Tavern serves estovado on Saturdays.• Don’t use Aspen as a verb, i.e. “How to Aspen.” • Don’t be caught with a booklet on “How to Aspen” in your possession.Janet Urquhart is writing a guide on “How to El Jebel.” E-mail your ideas to janet@aspentimes.com