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Hoosier inquiries

Barry Smith

Dear Bad Guru,My lawn is just totally overrun with dandelions. I want to get rid of them, but don’t have time to dig them out by hand, and can’t bear the karmic brunt of spreading toxic herbicide on Mother Earth. What should I do?Infested in IndianaDear Infested,Bad Guru has access to Infinite Intelligence, to the All-That-Is, to the Headwaters of Knowledge … and you ask a gardening question? Isn’t that a little like standing before God Himself and asking if you can borrow a pen?Nature, like the humans who are a product of it, sometimes experiences bouts of insecurity, anxiety, rage, frustration and drinking binges that end in blackouts and memory gaps. Think tornadoes just happen randomly? You may like to believe that Nature is above such pettiness, but that’s a mistake. Earthquakes, for example, are Nature saying, “Ha! You want some more of this, suckers?” Dandelions in your precious yard, though obviously not as devastating as a hurricane, are still an example of Nature letting you know who’s running things.Nature despises the manicured lawn, as there is nothing natural about it. Actually, “despise” isn’t a strong enough word, as I was chatting with Nature just the other day and when the lawn subject came up she told me she’s one shot of tequila away from reducing the entire planet to a wasteland so barren that a tumbleweed wouldn’t dare roll across it.Hope that answers your question.Dear Bad Guru,What is the essence of desire? I really want to know.Imperative in IndianaDear Imperative,To want nothing is to have everything. To want everything is to have nothing. The essence of desire is to find the balance between those two truths. Try pretending to not want things – that way you should probably be able to have a lot of cool stuff.Dear Bad Guru,Why are you a “bad” guru? Did you used to be “good,” but then decided to go to the dark side, or something? Or are you “bad” in the way that means “good?” Because if that’s the case, you should know that people don’t really use that expression so much anymore.Interested in IndianaDear Interested,Bad Guru, who has his finger in the Conveniently Located Socket of God, appreciates your input as to which infantile expressions are currently “the bee’s knees.””Bad” is not a third-dimensional indication of quality or relevance. It is an acronym: the first initial standing for “B,” the second for “A” and the third for “D.” If you are having a hard time understanding this, perhaps you should ponder it while listening to my new CD, “One Hand Clapping – The Remixes.”If you still find yourself fixated on up-to-date semantics, perhaps you should find yourself another Gurizzle.Dear Bad Guru,Is it true that the Universe answers all questions, even though sometimes the answer is “no?”Inquisitive in IndianaDear Inquisitive,No.Barry Smith’s column runs in The Aspen Times on Mondays. His e-mail address is barry@Irrelativity.com, and his very own Web page is at http://www.Irrelativity.com


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