Hey doll, just call me Barbie
Mattel is apparently releasing limited-edition Barbie dolls for every conceivable market.At least, that’s the latest Internet scuttlebutt, being circulated via e-mails that describe new variations of locally-inspired Barbies. I know a Missouri-born valley resident who received the Kansas City Barbie e-mail from a relative back home the same day I forwarded her the skinny on the Colorado Market Barbie, which has been making the rounds in the Roaring Fork Valley.Frankly, I was a little offended to discover there was no El Jebel Barbie, though just about every town from Aspen to Grand Junction and Vail has been graced by its very own Barbie model, according to the jokesters behind the e-mails.A quick Google search also turned up a Boston Barbie, Denver Barbie and even a Calgary Barbie, but I was quick to note some overlap. The Carbondale Barbie is virtually a verbatim replica of the Boulder Barbie, and bears a striking resemblance to the Sunnyside Barbie up in Calgary.The skinny on Carbondale Barbie, by the way: “This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Boulder Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.”There are at least two Aspen Barbies out there. Here’s the one making the rounds locally: “This princess Barbie is sold only at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus or BMW SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version. She passes her days wishing she was someone else and living a different life.”And, there’s the Aspen Barbie listed under the Denver Barbie collection: “This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print ski outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the lodge. Optional Percocet prescription available.”Neither doll fully captures multitude of Aspen’s Barbies, in my opinion. The resort is far too self-important to be pigeonholed into a couple of stereotypes, so I’ve suggested Mattel put the following Aspen Barbies into production posthaste:Botox Barbie: Stays true to the original plastic Barbie – frozen smile, wrinkle-free countenance and bottle-blonde hair. Perpetually arched feet, however, eventually give way to orthotics and sensible designer shoes. Often goes by Babs. Would divorce Ken but for pre-nup. Athletic trainer optional. Mansion sold separately.Backcountry Barbie: Athletic and fit, but without a gym membership, this doll sports a healthy glow, sans make-up. Her skin-care regimen is all about maintaining the adhesive on her climbing skins. Her mountain bike is worth more than her car. Comes with golden retriever. Wardrobe boasts labels like The North Face, Mountain Hardwear and Patagonia. Optional accessories include tele skis, Andes-style wool hat, America’s Uphill T-shirt.Boarder Barbie: Sports tight, hip-hugger pants on and off slopes. Not above swooning over Shaun White. Lives for today, hangs at the Sky Bar, enjoys reggae and hip-hop, willing to drink Budweiser. Functions well even with a hangover. Boyfriend answers to “Dude” or “Brau,” but not Ken. Options include knit cap with tiny brim, iPod, Australian accent.Broker Barbie: Driven, confident workaholic who enjoys numbers with a lot of zeros behind them. More likely to lose sleep over an error in a real estate ad than loss of community’s middle class. Comes with requisite blazers, Bluetooth and copy of the MLS. Accessory options include a horse, Tim for Mayor button.Still in development are Burlingame Barbie (comes with car seat in the Subaru and a Burley behind her bike), Benefactor Barbie (goes by Barbara, wears big glasses, appears frequently in Mary Eshbaugh Hayes’ Around Aspen column) and Bottomfeeder Barbie (you can buy her drinks, but they’re sold separately).Janet Urquhart is working on a prototype of El Jebel Barbie. She will come with bowling shoes and a bus pass. E-mail your ideas to email@example.com
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In this election at least, you can vote with your middle finger or vote for our girls, but not both, according to columnist Meredith Carroll.