Heres to a very Barry Christmas
Hi, friends! Well, I know that you probably hate these generic Christmas letters as much as I do, but, well here it is I know some of you told me that you only made it halfway through last years letter before you tried paper cutting your wrists with it, feeling that death would be a better option than having to read one more word of me droning on and on about myself. Well, hey, I can take constructive criticism as well as the next guy, so this year Ive spent a little more money and had this letter printed on heavier cardstock practically impossible to cut yourself with this! So read on! Where to begin? At the beginning, I guess last January! It was a particularly stunning January, weatherwise. Beautiful and sunny on some days, others kind of cloudy and snowy. It was cold some days, too. Real cold. Seriously cold. Brrrrr. But warm on others. Yep. What else? Oh, I took a dough art class at the community college in the spring. You know how Ive always been really artistic, right? Well, I think I might have found my calling with dough art, which, according to the course catalog description, is on the cutting edge in the art world. For the less artistic of you, dough art is a form of sculpture using, thats right, dough! Like, flour and water! Pretty hip, huh? And you fire your work in a normal oven, so no need for special equipment. For my final project, I made a miniature Taj Mahal. I would have enclosed a picture, but dough art isnt known for its precision when it comes to fine detail, so after my Taj Mahal was baked it didnt look all that Taj Mahal-like. The teacher said it looked like an unruly biscuit, but she was threatened by my talent. I got a C minus, but I was there for the experience, not the grade. I finally went to see a doctor about that condition I described at some length in last years letter. (Note: Ive posted that letter, along with all of my previous Christmas letters, on my new website, in case you need to jog your memory its at http://www.qEu4r5!!!jt;rpe23.com. I tried to get a normal URL such as http://www.mychristmasletters.com but well I sort of started using PCP again over the summer, and I was kind of high the night I created my domain name, and my typing skills arent great to begin with, so anyway, this doctor sent me to another doctor and it turns out that Im actually allergic to my own hair! Isnt that crazy? Thank God for electrolysis, waxing and very expensive specialists, I say. Ive been totally hairless for five months now, and the symptoms havent let up just yet, but Ive been assured that I just need to give it time. Oh! I won a $120 on PowerBall in June. Unfortunately, I lost my wallet later in the week. Still, theres no greater rush than seeing three of those six numbers on TV match up to yours. And this might not be the appropriate place for this, but I figure as long as I have you all together did I loan any of you my Super Troopers DVD? If so, Id really appreciate you giving it back to me. I usually dont loan DVDs out, and this is why, because people just never freakin give stuff back.)Finally, I appreciate all of you who have shown interest in reading my screenplay. As soon as I get this script writing software figured out, Im going to get started on it and send you a copy. As Ive probably told you already, its going to be an action film about a world famous and well-respected Dough Artist who is addicted to PCP and allergic to his own hair. In the second act, he wins the lottery. I know, I know where DO I come up with this stuff, right? I often ask myself the same question. The creative process is an amazing and mysterious thing. And the holiday season always makes me feel so lucky to have been born with such artistic talents. Have a great year, and Merry Christmas!Barry Smiths column appears Mondays.
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