Global warming from an extraterrestrial source
In our universe of infinite size, duration and combinations of matter randomly coming together within it, is there any intelligent life form on Earth that believes we are alone?The last time I wrote about aliens, I invoked the wrath of many locals who thought I was poking fun at extraterrestrial beings. That couldn’t be further from the truth. If they exist, I am in awe of them (aliens, not locals, that is).In fact, their continual visitation to our planet should be the cause of great concern. In one of the greatest government cover-ups of our time, the single largest cause of ecological crisis remains unknown to most: Alien spacecraft are the major contributing factor to global warming. It is not a theory espoused by today’s conservative media despite the fact that the case can be indisputably made.The damage to our environment is caused by the comings and goings of unidentified flying objects (UFOs), of which thousands are reported worldwide every day with many more certainly going unobserved. The heat and accompanying greenhouse gasses emitted from every entry into and blastoff from our atmosphere are incomprehensibly immense.Consider the fact that scientists are relatively certain there are no other forms of intelligent life within our solar system, and you can easily conclude that UFOs must travel here from foreign solar systems, which are many light years away.For space aliens to make trips of these distances in reasonable amounts of time requires traveling speeds at or very nearly approaching the speed of light. As Einstein surely knew, this necessitates expending enormous amounts of energy.To launch a multiton intergalactic spacecraft off the desert floor of New Mexico and accelerate it to the speed of light in a matter of milliseconds requires the energy equivalent of a great many megaton neutron bombs exploding simultaneously. Imagine the heat and carbon footprint created from such an event and multiply that by the numerous times such things occur each day, year round, all over the world, and you can almost comprehend the understated effect on overheating our planet. Our daily burn of fossil fuels is the equivalent of a pine needle smoldering in a Neptunian-sized forest fire by comparison.Also, the fuels space travelers burn are from sources foreign to our planet. It is a stretch to believe our self-contained sphere can handle the by-products of burnt unknown elements and cleanse itself to achieve some semblance of environmental balance needed to sustain life as we know it.It goes without saying that these alien visits need to be reduced to only what is truly necessary. Spacecraft-pooling is one solution often brought up by those in the know. The permanent installation of earth-monitoring equipment on the moon so they can watch us from the convenience of their own planets has also been discussed. The main problem with these solutions, however, is we have no way of communicating the ideas to the aliens.Besides, these are only stopgap measures, at best. They address the symptoms of interplanetary visits, but do not address the cause. What we really need to do is figure out why extraterrestrials feel compelled to make daily visits here. That many have wracked their brains over this is an understatement. There are no obvious reasons why superior forms of life are so intently interested in our meager-by-comparison existence.One theory is alien scrutiny has evolved from fears of undocumented earthling workers’ aims on migrating to other galaxies to get unjustly rich while becoming a drain on celestial economic resources without paying requisite income taxes. Another is that a universal drug war is being waged by attempting to cut down the current smuggling of illegal pixy dust across solar system gravitational boundaries. However, it is widely believed that evolved forms of life are too intelligent to implement these types of wasteful and counterproductive measures.The most prominent theory in the study of extraterrestrial travel is that these beings feel threatened and, thus, have us under surveillance for their security. It is widely believed, in proprietary circles, that these daily trips are likely reconnaissance in their first line defense of interplanetary resources.It can hardly be a coincidence that the sightings of UFOs have increased dramatically as our civilization has become more mechanically mobile. The increased interest of space aliens must, therefore, be related to energy consumption. It has not gone unnoticed by beings throughout the universe that we are burning our primitive fuels at an unsustainable rate that will exhaust our reserves sometime in the not so distant future. Aliens have monitored our progress over the last century from the horseless carriages to Hummers. They see that it is simply a matter of time until we progress to fire-belching, single-occupancy, 12-passenger flying saucers to meet our transportation preferences. (They’ve been there already.)In short, we are approaching a crisis of galactic proportion. Soon, we will force ourselves into space in search of alternative energy sources. Apparently, we are alone in not seeing this. Aliens are scared of our pending encroachment on their space, so to speak.Thus, in order to save our planet from the global microwaving caused by alien visitations, we must convince these creatures that we do not pose threat to them and their home planets. We need to demonstrate that we can get our energy demands under control. There are no options but to behave as if all the fuels ever available to us exist right here on our own spinning sphere.As they currently observe, we should reduce consumption of oil to a semi-sustainable level. We must learn to get by driving smaller cars less often and larger ones hardly at all. We are obliged to tap into the sun’s vast energy, without endeavoring to actually travel to it.Most of all, we have to quit fighting over oil. This is what must be most disconcerting to aliens watching from outer space. If we are willing to wage bloody war and kill our own kind over oil, what is the only awful thing any reasonable extraterrestrial can infer?Of course, perhaps this theory is wrong and extraterrestrials couldn’t give a flip about our energy usage. In that case, we should do nothing and simply wait for them to zap us into oblivion.Roger Marolt has seen bright lights in the sky that he cannot identify. Share your sightings at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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Columnist Paul Andersen continues to hope that the moral arc of the universe trends toward justice.